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 Need advice on dating a single parent pls
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| Author | Topic: Need advice on dating a single parent pls |
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dgruginski Member |
posted 12-21-2002 10:59 PM
  
I apologize if I am intuding on the wrong board but I have a dilemma and I'd like to explore all options before giving up. Here's the story. I am not a single parent but I met a great woman with a now 12 yo son. We met two yrs ago but I was bit more immature and I needed more than she could give so we stopped seeing each other though we kept in touch. I hadn't heard from her in about 9mo figuring she had met someone which apparently she did but now she's out of it. We went out for a drink last night and the chemistry was great we spent 3hrs talking, laughing and had a great time. At the end of the night we had a passionate kiss and could still feel the incredible passion we shared before but since she doesn't want to jump from one thing to another we ended it there. She made a few comments that were contradictory that I wouldn't mind someone elses perspective on...she claims her last relationship lacked passion and with me she said "see that's what I want". She also said she wanted to keep it casual with me with no strings attached and that she hated men at this stage? She then said something about me dealing not being able to deal with her having a kid and I told her in two yrs I've matured quite a bit especially after watching my dad die from cancer(you get a different perspective on life when something traumatic like that happens). She wanted me to call her in the morning and we would go do somethng casual like a matinee or something but today's I called her and she was a bit uncomfortable and explained about jumping from one thing to another, and not being sure that us dating is a good thing. I feel like part of her thinks I'm the one for her but part of her is putting the brakes on everything. Everything is wonderful when we are together we laugh talk have a great time but she seems uncomfortable when it comes to me and her child. Understandable, I wouldn't expect any less from her but what do I do to change that? I'd really like to make it work with her but I guess not working hard enough about building a relationship with her child in the beginning has put me back a bit. She's dated other guys who she doesn't like as much but get along with her child. I like kids just being an immature 29 at the time I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with the responsibility of providing a good role model for him and being a part of his life. I'm almost 31 now and a lot wiser after losing a friend and my dad to cancer. I know the kind of relationship we shared was what I want and I'm hoping I can make things right...last night we were even talking about where we'd like to take a trip and how much fun we would have. Maybe we moved a bit too fast even though it was in fun. I just feel like she's going to put up a wall and avoid seeing me. any advice out there? Thought I would ask those who could help me understand her side more. Keep in mind, I like kids and think they deserve evey opportunity to grow and a good family life. I would support her parenting decision and try to be a friend and a positive influence on her child. Maybe I wasn't ready before but I feel like I am now but how do I show her that now that she's a bit jaded? |
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2setsofroses Member |
posted 12-22-2002 07:23 AM
Hi...I think you came to the perfect sight and receiving perspectives from single parents is quite wise and I hope will be helpful. I believe that most of us the second time around are extremely caucious. We have watched our children suffer great losses, but along with that we too, have often delt with the pain of loss and broken dreams! These losses take much time to heal, and I for one, have needed and still need much time to heal so that someday, if God sent an angel, I would be a whole person. One that is not in that relationship for the reasons of being lonely, vulnerable or on the rebound. Many of us (not I ), lost spouses we thought the world of. We trusted them and believed we had a long life ahead with them, yet they left us and their children for an assortment of different reasons. So you see, this women, who truely seems to care for you, is even more caucious with you than with the men she casually dates. You may pose more of a threat, because if you don't turn out to be who she thinks you are, her child and self, will once again, get hurt! We can deal with the risk of ourselves being hurt more so than putting our children at risk. Just imagine, they are responsible for none of this yet our choices affect them a lifetime, whether the choices are good or bad. If you are really serious about a pursuing a future with this women, ask her what she needs. Even if she asked for 6 months alone, let her know you will wait for her (if you are willing). What a sign of maturity that would be. Just listen to her, and trust that if she is apprehensive, she is not ready. Take it real slow! If this relationship is meant to be, you will have a lifetime together! Wishing you the best of luck! Your sensitivity towards her, as you have already shown, will define the type of man that you are! God Bless! Marilyn |
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Lori_Pie Member |
posted 12-23-2002 07:46 AM
Just like the last poster said, your a threat to her. Casual relationships are easy, no committment, no worries, no chance of a broken heart. You however, are someone she cares for, you are a threat to the new life she has made for herself and her child. Want advice? Go slow. Very slow. And when you plan dates, include her child in on some. Get to know him. Show her that you want to be a part of both of their lives, but dont rush it. It's very scary to be a single mom. She needs to know that you aren't going to disappear on her too. She wants to keep it casual, then do that, but DONT date other women while your keeping it casual. I promise that will ruin everything before it even gets started. Good luck. |
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dgruginski Member |
posted 12-24-2002 03:17 AM
thanks for advice I think slow is the keyword without letting her get me out of her mind though  ...if I can get her to let down her guard a bit I think we'll be ok hopefully I don't get impatient and screw it up before that  ...if I make it to the hanging out with the kid stage I'll have to come back for advice for how to proceed in that area. I know how to make her laugh so I think that's my one weapon I can use against her wall |
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opusaz Member |
posted 12-28-2002 01:19 PM
Okay, this is almost my story. And it's going very slow. Except she has allowed me to get very close to her kids. Part of the attraction to her is the family picture. But I am not sure I have her heart. I know she likes me and likes having me around but it really hasn't progressed into a full-fledged romance. She responds to everything I do but then backs off. What I don't understand is why she would let me get so close to her kids if she wasn't serious. |
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Lori_Pie Member |
posted 12-30-2002 07:25 AM
Opusaz, it doesn't mean she's not serious, it just means she's scared. Give it time and she'll come around. |
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opusaz Member |
posted 01-01-2003 12:55 PM
I'm trying to be patient. I took her son with my nephews to a hockey game. We all had a great time. And when I took him back to his mom's house he got really quiet. It's obvious he wants a dad to do things like this. I just hope she knows what she is doing. |
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