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| Author | Topic: Relationships |
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TracyO Member |
posted 09-30-2005 10:16 AM
  
This is only the second time I have been here and I don't know why I didn't come back sooner. You all have such wonderful words of wisdom that I thought that I could ask some advice. I have been living with this guy for 4 1/2 years and he and I have never gone away by ourselves and we really don't go out very often and if I mention this to him I am made to feel like I have done something wrong by expressing that I want to go out more often and that I want a weekend away with him. I explain that it is a weekend without his family and friends. I don't think this is an unreasonable request, but he says that he does stuff with me and that it's just not enought for me and that he is not going to do anything different and that basically I am to needy. I get upset when he makes plans with his friends first. I never do this, I talk with him before I make any plans. I always feel like an after thought. Here is an examble. We had this same coversation last week. He tells me last night (Thursday) are you going to be upset if I go the the UM game with my bud. I mentioned to him about what we talked about just a week ago and that I thought that maybe since I bought up that we don't do anything together, that maybe he would want to do something with me. And of course he mentioned that last week that my daughter and I went with him to the game. Mind you I had to pay for mine and my daughters way in. It felt like he was doing me a favor by letting us go and that again I was an after thought, cuz he knew he was already going cuz he had made the plans with his bother and his bother bf. I'm not sure if I am just over reacting to things or if this is a deadend relationship. Or maybe I just don't know how to be in one. I thought once you found the person, that you would do things together and that you are a part of each others families. Well that's not the case here. It's all about him, his family, his friends. I have to have a fit just to get him to go with me to a friends party. Or to a family function of mine. Could you all provide me with any kind of insight. I have felt so incomplete. I want to feel whole and I have prayed for advice and I quess I am not getting it or I just don't see it. I am not ready to give up on this relationship. God knows that I am fighting for this, right now I just don't know if it is worth fighting anymore. He had me believing that it is all my fault and last week and church the pastor was talking about being whole and secure with life. He talked about the man who laid crippled and Jesus asked if he wanted to me made whole. All I could do was think that is me I want to be whole, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be happy, I want to feel loved. Let me tell you right now I don't feel any of that. Well, I quess I better end this for now and hopefully I will hear from you all. Thanks
[This message has been edited by TracyO (edited 09-30-2005).] |
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mommyof2 Member |
posted 09-30-2005 11:52 AM
Tracy first off welcome! Sweetie it sounds like he is taking you for granted. My first reaction would be to go about my business and make plans that do not include him without giving him prior notice. After all why should you ask for his approval to go out and have fun? One of two things will happen, he will start to worry and his behavior will start to change for the better or he will be elated that you are finally off his back so that he can be free to do as he pleases. Remember you cannot save a relationship if it was never really there. When a man chooses his family and friends over his partner chances are you are just there to fill a void and nothing more. You and your daughter deserves better. You have no room in your life for a selfish man. I pray that his reaction will be one of concern but to be honest with you if this has been going on for 41/2 years he is most likely not going to change. Hopefully someone else here will have better advice to offer. |
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ladybugss Member |
posted 10-01-2005 06:52 AM
M0f2 gave you some great advise. Either you accept him as is, or move on. If you accept him as is, then you understand that this is what the rest of your life will be like. If not, it's time to start building your own life and looking for a mate that will share in it with you. Blessings to you, Deb |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 10-01-2005 09:06 AM
I think you've gotten great advice so far. It really makes me mad when someone is so selfish and tries to make it seem like it's the other person's problem. My ex was like that. Don't let him make you feel like you have the problem. He is being selfish and it's hurtful to you - that's a normal reaction. Ladybugs is right - he won't change. You'll never get the love you're craving from a selfish man. A selfish man can never fill that hole. I though it was interesting that you realized this in church because I just heard in a sermon that anyone or thing that we put before God (children, spouse, job, etc.) will suffer because we are not putting God first. God can fill that hole within you by helping you to realize that you are a good and lovable person. My ex had made me feel so unlovable that I didn't love myself anymore. It was great when I realized that God made me and loves me so much and that if I don't love myself, I'm criticizing what God made. Anyway, I think we need to love ourselves before we can really try to love someone else. If we love ourselves and someone is treating us like this, we won't allow it. My advice to you is to go out and do your own things that make you happy (church, walks with your child, lunch with friends, etc.) and stop relying on him to make you happy - he never will I'm afraid. I'll be thinking about you. Let us know how things go. |
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cgracec Member |
posted 10-01-2005 10:28 AM
I really don't have much to add, but the bible clearly states that a man is to leave his parents and cleave unto his wife. If you have been with this man for 4 1/2 years and he is treating you like this, I don't see it changing either. You are setting an example of what a relationship is like for your child. Is this the kind of relationship you want for her? If not, then it is time for change. |
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JAYJAY Member |
posted 10-01-2005 01:39 PM
Hello, i have to say that i also think that you should do things for yourself, let him get on with his things and you and your daughter get on with yours without him. In time he will want to be part of the things you are doing if not ,then he is not the one for you. It is very sad when one half is doing all the hard work. Chin up, you will be fine. -x-x- |
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TracyO Member |
posted 10-03-2005 08:41 AM
You are all so wonderful and caring. We talked over the weekend and he admitted this to me, so we are going to work on it. I am going to work on me more. I am volunteering at work and I have signed up to become a member of my church, which I might add without him. Not a bad thing, it is for me and my well being. I am also finding out that I rely on him way to much for my entertainment. I have also been reading children of alcholic parents, and I am realizing that my outlook on relationships is damaged and distorted from my childhood environment. My Mom did her best to "coverup" my fathers drinking problem and his unfaithfulness, but as I am learning more about me I am finding that these type of things do affect us no matter how hard people try to surpress or cover them up. I am continuing to re-discover myself, my relationship with God and my child. I am no longer going to allow myself to be taken for granted. Basically, I am going to live my life on my terms not strictly on his terms. I am not his wife or his fiancee. And I should not feel quilty for spending time with my family and friends. |
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mommyof2 Member |
posted 10-03-2005 03:18 PM
Good for you! Get out there and start enjoying life. Never depend on someone to make you happy you will always be desapointed, it too big of a burden for anyone to accomplish. |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 10-03-2005 06:51 PM
VERY true!! Good for you. |
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TracyO Member |
posted 10-10-2005 09:01 AM
Here is an update, boy am I an idiot. I am seeing what a real control freak he is. But then again maybe I am doing something wrong. He as always been hard on my daughter and I have tried to explain to him that he is not her father and not her step father and that he needs to tread lightly. If he "sees something wrong" I have asked him to bring it to me and I will handle it. I know that this is a touchy subject and I would not even dare try to disipline his kids. I would just tell him what happened and let him handle it. Well, here is some of the background on the situation. For one my daughter doesn't like him, and I don't think he really likes her. He is one that demands respect. I mean literally demands it. He is always saying that no 14 year old is going to ask him where he is going and that no 14 year old is going to ask why. He is like a bit of a drill sargent. Now, my daughter lied to him on thursday, about the phone use and her grounding. (I then grounded her for another week and took away her cd's). Ok, I understand you are upset at her and that she lied. I am not condoning her lying, but why did she lie to you in the first place. There are 2 reasons for this, 1. she didn't want you to know and 2. she was hiding something. I am well aware of all of this, but to want to lock the front gate when she is home alone because there is no school and to hide the phone are a bit extreme. You know I am trying to be logical over this and not over react. We fought for hours yesterday, after we had lunch (mind you we took my daughter home after church, no special priviledges) and after I came home from my church class. He started on it again. I punished her but that was not good enough in his eyes and he has decided that I am in denial and that my daughter is in control of my house. I don't see this and he screamed at me for hours trying to get me to agree with him. I'm sorry I don't agree with him and I don't agree with his tactics. Especially the name calling and cursing at me for hours on end and saying that I will be raising my daughters baby in 2 years. Mind you this is in earshot of my daughter. |
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mommyof2 Member |
posted 10-10-2005 01:05 PM
To be honest with you I say end the relationship. You have no kids from this man; you’re not even married to him. Let’s list all the negatives: 1. He doesn’t bother picking up the tab for you and your daughter when you two go places. 2. He verbally abuses you and has shown a complete lack of respect for you in front of your daughter. 3. He and your daughter don’t get along. 4. You’re miserable and feel you have no control of the situation. 5. He spends more time with his family and friends than he does with you. Could it be that your daughter lied out of fear of him? Re-read what you wrote: “Here is an update, boy am I an idiot. I am seeing what a real control freak he is. But then again maybe I am doing something wrong.” You are starting to blame yourself for his behavior; do you plan to spend the rest of your life trying to make him happy? What about you and your happiness? What about your daughter’s happiness? Let go of your insecurities and see things for what they really are. I don’t care how many times he promises things will change, they won’t, and they will only get worse. My only concern right now is that of your daughter. In the process of trying to save your relationship with your bf you may lose your relationship with your daughter. I would rather be alone than to have any man mistreat my child. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but I have seen cases like yours too often that ended in emotional and sometimes physical damage not to speak up. |
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cgracec Member |
posted 10-11-2005 07:03 PM
I have to agree completely with mommyof2. This man shows no respect for you or for your daughter. Is this the type of relationship you would want for your daughter? Remember, you are setting an example for her on what a relationship should be like. I was married to an emotionally controlling man for 16 years until his behavior had negative effects on our daughter. The counselor I started seeing pointed out that how he is treating me will be transferred to her, only worse, when she hits teenage years. The counselor was right. I left and it was the best decision I could have made. I constantly questioned myself, I was isolated from friends and family, he made me feel like everything was my fault, I was publically ridiculed, he constantly reminded me how worthless I was,he told me no one would ever want me, and that if I left I would fail. I left, found out that people did want to be around me, men asked me out, I bought a house, got a job, got promoted and I am doing just fine. Leaving is a frightening thing because after living with someone who always tears us down we question ourselves, which is exactly what he wants you to do. By isolating you from family and friends he removes your support system so it makes it easier for him to destroy your self confidence. Try to remember that the reason he tears you down is so that he can feel more powerful. If you feel weak, he feels strong. The problem isn't you. It is him. I say leave and eventually you will find someone who will give you the love and respect that you deserve. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 10-11-2005 09:05 PM
So many of us here have been in marriages with controlling men, and we don't find out until we've invested many years-- and had children with them. You're lucky in that you see his ways now. I wouldn't want to continue this relationship. Imagine if you married, had more children, and you and your daughter and other innocent children had to live with this every day. Grace is right. They do transfer the abuse to our daughters when they're teenagers. My ex and I separated when my daughter was 11. He moved to another state and only sees her about every 6 weeks (sometimes longer). She's 14 now and EVERY time she sees him, she calls me frustrated, angry and often crying because he is manipulating her the way he did me. He does the same things to her!! I couldn't believe it when it started. Thank goodness she sees right through him. Still, even though she sees his manipulations for what they are, it hurts her very deeply. She has this frame of mind that she "is going to change him." I'm working double-time to help her realize that that is a waste of time and emotional envery. I think you've already made up your mind that this isn't for you... and breaking up is never easy. But, I can't imagine his behavior changing-- or ever being acceptable. You-- all women-- deserve so much more. [This message has been edited by Bluebird (edited 10-11-2005).] [This message has been edited by Bluebird (edited 10-11-2005).] |
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TracyO Member |
posted 02-22-2006 11:56 AM
Update. We broke up a month ago and I am so sad about it. I feel like a failure and that I didn't try hard enough. I know that is garbage, but I am loyal to a fault. We have talked and have decided not to make any drastic moves. I am on a quest to find my happiness and he is going to do the same. I am searching for a counselor for my issues and I suggested he do the same. If God wants us to be together then major changes are needed. Not only from me but especially from him. |
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mommyof2 Member |
posted 02-22-2006 12:30 PM
Tracy, it’s ok to be sad, that’s perfectly normal. But to remain in that state will only weigh you down. Take this time to enjoy the little things in life, such as going out to dinner and a movie with friends/daughter/family members. Go on a weekend getaway with your daughter. Explore the hidden treasure around you, such as having tea at a local tea garden, go see a play, pick-up a hobby, check out the event guide in your area http://miami.eventguide.com/ there are so many cool things to see and do. The bottom line is you have one life, live it well. Don’t ever let anyone or anything prevent you from enjoying life to the fullest. As for you not trying hard enough, you talk as if you failed at something, no sweetie you didn’t fail. You did more than what was expected to salvage a relationship. Not all relationships are meant to be, all you can do is learn from them and move on. Take this time to search for true happiness within you. All other things will fall into place. Best wishes. |
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