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Author	Topic:   What's best for a child - dad or no dad?
caliklo New Member	posted 04-07-2006 11:51 AM          My duaghter is now a little over two. Her father is married and has two other children but lives in the area and pays child support. Initially I made a big issue about not wanting him to come around at all thinking that I would be protecting my daughter from a busy man with a family and very little time for her. Now she talks about "Daddy" and it breaks my heart. She points at pictures on the computer, tv, and magazines saying, "That's my Daddy." I know she's too young to understand, but did I make a decision based on what was easier for me? Would it be less confusing for her to meet him now rather than growing up wondering who he is and where he is? I need some objective advice. Thanks.
ladyinred Member	posted 04-07-2006 12:05 PM          I'm sorry but I think keeping your child from her father is very selfish and I think you did do it because it would be easier for YOU. Does her dad WANT to see her?? If he does, then I would reunite them and it would be better to do it sooner than later. You ae not only keeping her from her dad but her half siblings as well. It's not just "his family", it's hers too whether you like it or not. If dad doesn't want a relationship with her, it might be better to keep it the way it is and save her from what could be very painful.
Bluebird Member	posted 04-07-2006 08:49 PM             "... and has very little time for her" is what sticks in my mind. I sense that there's more going on here than just you being selfish. Does he seem to brush your daughter aside or does he really try to be a constant, loving part of her life? If he is trying, and he's not some cold-hearted lunatic (like some of the stories you read here), I think it would be good for her to see her father. If he's aloof and only comes around when it suits him, I think it will only give your daughter heartache in the long run. At 2 years old, I don't believe she really understands that this man who comes around once in a while is "daddy"-- she's just learned a word to tag onto any man she sees. What were the circumstances surrounding your initial decision to stay away from him?
Suzanne Member	posted 04-07-2006 10:24 PM             Here's a situation that I was in: In the beginning I thought it was important for my son to see his father. His father "pretended" to want to see my son but was never there and would say he's coming over to my son and then not show. It created unstability in his life and many nights crying in the corner cuz daddy didn't show. When his dad got married , I really liked his wife and had hoped he'd show a little more interest in our son. He did, but it was fake for her sake cuz when he and his wife split a few months later it started all over again.The not showing, the quitting jobs, the trying to get money from him. It was tearing my son apart. He'd ask "why doesn't my daddy love me?" You know what I say to this day? I say "Your daddy is having a hard time taking care of himself and if you can't take care of yourself then do you think you can take care of someone else?" My son always says "No" and I say "That's right and if he's not taking care of himself then he's not loving himself and if he can't love himself then he probably doesn't know how to love CORRECTLY." My point behind this is that I don't want my son thinking it's normal or that something's wrong with HIM for his dad to act this way. I never talk crap about his dad I just put it so that my son uses his own common sense. My son is almost ten and when I ask if he ever wants to meet his dad he always tells me "I already have,YOU are my dad and my mom. You taught me how to throw a football, you taught me how to ride a bike, You are my momdad." So if this guy is TRULY interested I would introduce him slowly and see where it goes. But if he's not then don't submit your daughter to the pain that my son went through. If it was all your idea then you will be the one ultimately who'll have to make it up to your daughter. I base my actions upon one thing and one thing only. I want to make sure I have done everything right towards my son as morally possible so that I will always have a clear conscious knowing that I did all I could for him in life and not add to the pain that he has already experienced.
sandra Member	posted 05-31-2006 08:05 PM             Suzanne, I couldnt agree more with you....it's heartbreaking when kids are treated like footballs, I wish more people would take their children's needs seriously. They DO have feelings, they DO get damaged by exes coming in and out of their life. THis is a hard situation and I agree with the poster that it is probably veyr wise for her to be extra cautious about her ex having involvement with their daughter. If he was really truly wanting to be involved like a real dad to her, he would have gone to court and sued to get time with her--- it sounds like from the post that he has just kind of merrily gone on with his life, has other children now. Its very important for children to have a father, but if the father really isn't a father, and is rejecting to the child, it seems like it makes sense to limit their influence and have other caring man, like an uncle, friend, church member, etc. who is willing and eager to spend good quality time with them. THat is something I suggest that you consider as your child gets older, getting a caring, quality man, -- an uncle, trusted longtime friend, etc. who would commit to being a part of your child's life-
Murph Member	posted 06-02-2006 10:05 PM             Hi! I suppose input from a single father wouldn"t be poo-poo'd here? Whether it's best for the kid is really only determined by how she handles it, whether whatever contact she has makes her feel good or bad, better or worse, loved or unloved; and the only way to give her the opportunity to find that out and make that choice(which, even at two or whatever, she is probably smart enough to make), is to forget whatever hangups you have about dealing with the guy, hope he's not just a complete asshole, and encourage whatever (closely monitered at first) contact he's up for. If, by clearly objective opinion, he makes her feel bad, then just see thst she has other men in her life who's attention she enjoys and she'll probably be fine with that.
MommyMo Member	posted 09-01-2006 07:35 PM             Here's a question for someone. I hope you can give me your opinion on this. My daughter has been going to her dads house every other weekend since she was 13 months ( I disagree with it because I think she is a baby). At this point my daugher still doesnt have any reaction when she seems him. She doesnt cry, she doesnt smile, nothing at all. It concerns me because when she sees me she goes crazy with laughter and smiles. Do you think this is normal? She has known him from birth and she even had to spend a week with him, but....

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