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 The Ex is driving me crazy
 My first experience with dating someone with a child
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| Author | Topic: My first experience with dating someone with a child |
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Julianna Member |
posted 10-19-2006 04:29 PM
 
I am a 26 year old female who has never been married and do not have kids of my own yet. I just got out of of a relationship with a guy about a month ago that has a 5 year old son. Things were good with us at the with some hurdles here and there. We lived together for six months and then moved out because we decided it wasn't a good thing. He stated that he could not show affection in front of his son because it wasn't good for him. I agreed that it wasn't good to do certain things and there are boundaries. He said we needed to act like friends because he didn't want his son to be exposed to that in case we broke up. I felt like we were being set up for failure. His son knew I was his girlfriend and it wasn't going to traumatize him to see us hold hands or give each other a hug. He said his son is always number one and that I could not accept being number two. I thought that was kind of harsh. Also, he said that after almost a year I should be use to the fact that he has to talk to his son's mom. He said after a year I should be adjusted and if I wasn't then he wasn't a good person for me because that is how it has to be. I told him I could handle him having a child with someone else, I just started to feel less and less important to him. Also, we were always around his family and he hardly got to know mine. Once, again he said he didn't want his son to get to know my family in case it didn't work out. All in all, he said he wasn't ready for committment and felt like I was ready. He said he wasn't sure if I was the one. He even said he would be content if he never got married and it was only him raising his son? He wants to be friends and I find it hard right now. I care about him still and I do care about his son. Do you think he just lost interest in me or it really was that I was still having issues with him having a child and hin having to talk to his son's mom. I don't think you can put a time limit on how long a person should get use to that kind of enviornment in their relationship. Any advice... Oh yeah, he said that I just went to his son's events because I knew his mom was going to be there. I did want to go to make sure she knew I was still around. And, it wasn't the same excitement for me watching his son play or do some sort of activity as it was for him. But, there were moments that I was proud of his son or got tickled at something he did. So, was I a bad girlfriend for wanting to go partly to let his kids mom know that I was still in the picture?? |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 10-20-2006 08:30 AM
Speaking from the opposite end- my ex has a gf and she feels the same way about me that you do about her. I have heard form his relatives that she is afraid if he talks to me about our child he will want to get back with me. Do you feel that way? Remember he left her for a reason- if she is truly out of the picture you do not need to feel like reminding her you are in the picture still. She knows that. I have heard its hard being with someone who shares a child with someone else. I am not sure quite why. But if you and him are secure in your relationship, his ex doesn't matter and should have anything to do with that. It realy sounds like you loves him still- that is worth soemthing I believe. |
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Julianna Member |
posted 10-20-2006 10:44 AM
Yeah, I felt that way about them talking. I just couldn't get past that thought. I stayed scared and worried that everytime they talked that eventually feelings would come back because they do share that bond between of having a son togehter. I knew they had to communicate and I don't know why I couldn't feel confident in the relationship. He could tell and knew that I wanted to go to things because I wanted to show his mom we were still together. Eventually, I think he resented me for that because he wanted me to be there for his son. And, I was because I wanted to show my support. After awhile, I didn't go with him to pick up his son and that started making my imagination run wild. I would sit and wait for him to come back to his parents with his son and every minute felt like an eternity. When he actually came back at a reasonable time. I know I was my own worst enemy. I am trying to get past this relationship, but it has really been hard. There are things that I needed to do differently and there are things he should have done differently. I know I will mature from this situation and maybe with time and space we can salvage something. I want to be bitter, angry, and act like I don't care because I am scared I am going to be replaced, eventually. It has been so hard to remove myself from him. |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 10-22-2006 06:42 AM
The most encouraging part of all this is you already have admitted that you went to show his ex you were in the picture- kudos to you? And your bf knows that also- so the major conflict is already out there- so try to work past that and salvage the relationship- try to keep from letting your own fears hurt the relationship. What you are feeling I guess is normal since my ex's gf does the same. You know need to get past it and work with yourelf (I knwo it won;t be easy for you but try) if you still want him. please try talking to him and admitting how you felt and tell him you will try not have those fears- if not you might be replaced by a new gf- then you lose and that is not what you want, is it? |
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DAMN_SHE_REAL Member |
posted 10-22-2006 08:29 PM
I'm skeptical on his using those reasons to ultimately break up with you. Men do get scared off when women whine too much or get catty. Do you think you were excessive in your actions? Or do you think you nagged him about those issues too much? If you didn't then I am leaning towards him wanting a poor excuse to break it off with you. It's a shame because it seems like you did care for him a lot. |
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Julianna Member |
posted 10-24-2006 10:33 AM
I don't think I whined or nagged too much. After awhile, I just sat there and he would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing. I didn't want him to get mad that it still bothered me about him having a child by someone else. I liked his son and really did care about him, but I couldn't get past that after almost a year of being his girlfriend we could not hold hands or show any affection around his son. The relationship just starting dying and I think we were both tired of trying to fix it. I just wonder if I would ever date someone again who already had kids. I think I want to after walking away from this experience. Or at least, I would be friends for a pretty good while before jumping into a serious relationship. I should have stayed friends longer with this past relationship. He wants to be friends and it is just too hard. I don't want to be friends right now in hopes that we will get back together and then not. |
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Julianna Member |
posted 10-24-2006 10:34 AM
I don't think I whined or nagged too much. After awhile, I just sat there and he would ask me what was wrong and I would say nothing. I didn't want him to get mad that it still bothered me about him having a child by someone else. I liked his son and really did care about him, but I couldn't get past that after almost a year of being his girlfriend we could not hold hands or show any affection around his son. The relationship just starting dying and I think we were both tired of trying to fix it. I just wonder if I would ever date someone again who already had kids. I don't think I want to after walking away from this experience. Or at least, I would be friends for a pretty good while before jumping into a serious relationship. I should have stayed friends longer with this past relationship. He wants to be friends and it is just too hard. I don't want to be friends right now in hopes that we will get back together and then not. |
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sandra Member |
posted 12-15-2006 07:33 PM
well, at least you are still pretty young, and it's better that this got sorted out now before you got married, then afterwards....that would be hard on his son especially, if you guys got married and then ended up getting divorced, so it is painful, but less painful this way than if you had found out the hard way. Take it as a lesson to maybe try and find a nice man in his 20's or early 30's who has no children. The truth is, and it's understandable, that a parent has different priorities than a single person with no children. As a parent, you have a first responsibility to your kids and to be close to them. I remember being 20 something with no kids, and it was a totally different world than being a parent. Once you become a parent the world becomes larger, you have this little person, who will alwasy be your child, and dates can come and go. It sounds like maybe he isnt sure of what he wants, or ?? but he definately seems to put his son first, which who can blame him.... |
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