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 The Ex is driving me crazy
 horrible incident w/ visit
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| Author | Topic: horrible incident w/ visit |
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sandra Member |
posted 07-04-2006 09:22 PM
  
does anybody know if police are supposed to make it their business to make a child go on a visit? I was told before by a policeman that it is not a matter for the police, if a child doesn't want to see their parent, but the parent can go back to court and address it thru the family court, if they feel they arent getting enough visitation. I was told this 2 years ago when I called our local police station. I had called because my ex had threatened to 'call the sheriff!!" since our daughter didn't want to go with him. I was reassured that I didnt have to worry about the police showing up, that it wasnt something they concern themselves with. I believe I was told on another occasion the same thing by a different officer. The deal is that our daughter at various times really doesnt want to go w her dad, depending on how a past visit may have gone, (he is mentally ill and can be nice, other times he may rage, or lecture or act oddly. i believe it may be manic depression) Over the past few months there were several significant incidents where he acted very oddly, and one occasion was very threatening. On Saturday, to make a long story short, she didnt want to go. I told him ahead of time, hey, sorry, she really, doesnt want to go, (also, she has alot of depresssion and anxiety, not surprsingly, but it has been pretty severe lately to where she avoids other situations. He said he would raise heck, so we werent' here when he came. He told me he would call the sheriff. He has done this in the past, and was turned away, and was told that it wasnt their department, they dont go out to make kids go on visits, but he was welcome to go back to court. For some reason on Saturday he found a cop who took up his cause with alot of gusto. He came to our house, ready to bust me I suppose for not making her go on a vist. When he didnt find us at home, i was called a while later, and was told that I had to come back at once, or risk being arrested. I told him I was sorry about what happened, BUT i had been told by his own coworker that this was not a police matter, and I explained (or tried to, he really didn't listen or consider hat I was saying) that her dad is abusive, and she has been going thru alot of depression, and she really did not want to go, she didnt feel she could handle seeing him. I told him that she is fragile emotionally right now, due in large part to his being abusive. The officer was like Mr. Macho, and said it was too darn bad, basically, and that none of that mattered and that I could be arrested. I told him, well, doesn't she have any rights? She is 13 years old. He said no, she basically has no rights, and he was making it his duty to make her go with him. I told him well what about the fact she is very depressed, she is under a doctor's care, who has said she shouldnt be put under unnecessary stress. He said too bad. I didnt mean to argue with him, but i really could not believe what he was saying, and found it not credible what he was saying. I said 'well, she has depression, and she doesnt feel well. Are you saying if she's sick, let's say she has a fever, would she be forced to go on a visit?" the officer started to say no, then changed his mind and said "well, you know, if she had a fever, I would come and check her out. If it wasn't high enough for her to be in the hospital, I would have her go on the visit...." I said "wouldnt she have the option like normal people of just resting at home?" and he said no. It was like some type of bad dream, I told him that what he was saying was questionable, because I had been told otherwise by his coworker, and that other times when her dad tried to get the police involved, no one would come, saying its not a police matter. He just insisted it was a police matter, not a civil matter. Afterwards, I went to the police station and asked to talk to the supervisor, because I needed to understand what the policy is with vistiation. I ended up talking to another deputy, who said it IS a civil matter, not a police matter, but then he said other vague stuff, it was hard to understand. His partner though said "we usually don't get involved in making a child go on a visit. If they really don't want to go, at most we may try and talk to them and figure out what's going on...and then tell the parent, sorry, they don't want to go. but we don't make it our business to make a child see a parent" \The other stuff the policeman said on Saturday that was so disturbing was that if my daughter was depressed, he woudl come the next day and 'evaluate' her. I told him that's not necessary, thank you, she already has a doctor. He insisted that he is qualified to do that, and i said no thank you. He kept trying to intimidate me, it seemed like he had his own agenda. He even went as far as to say that if he felt hte need, if she was depressed enough, he would whisk her away and have her locked up in a county hospital somewhere!!!! I was just floored, and it took me 3 days to start to feel a little bit normal again, but I am still traumatized. Today i saw a police car and started feeling weird, and ihave never had any criminal or any contact with the police,,,,,really, it was so unreal. He also said "if she couldnt go on a visit because she had a fever, she would either have to go with her dad, or I would come and take her down to the emergency room. I was wondering, uh, is this America? it was so extreme the things he said, like if she can't go on a visit bc she is sick, he will come with the calvary....what about being normal, and letting her rest, most kids don't go to the ER for the flu...i have taken care of her just fine her whole life with very little help from my ex...i know what to do when she has a fever- it's called BEDREST, fluids, and some tlc-- it shouldnt have anything to do with police coming---- tell me it shouldlnt. If not, i will assume i am now living in the Twilight Zone. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 07-04-2006 09:51 PM
Sandra, This is really scary! You must have been just freaking out. I know I would. It does sound like the Twilight Zone.... maybe you could go to another police station, where that guy does not work or associate, and explain this situation. Do you have a divorce lawyer you could consult with? I would get out the phone book and start calling lawyers to get some free advice. I understand what you and your daughter go through with visitation. My ex is bipolar and is difficult, odd, etc. sometimes. Sometimes my daughter doesn't want to go with him either. I wonder how much your ex paid that cop to go over the deep end with you. It just doesn't make sense. I just feel very strongly that that cop is another lunatic and if he acted that way with you, he acts that way with others. He needs to be stopped somehow. |
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JAYJAY Member |
posted 07-05-2006 04:15 PM
I just went cold when i read your post. I think we would all have felt the way you did, i think you should get legal advice, and fast. Your daughter is lucky she has you to look out for her, dont let the matter rest. Write to the police station telling them what happened and ask to meet someone in charge and get it sorted out. Good luck, -x-x- |
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motwgk Member |
posted 07-05-2006 04:28 PM
I would contact your lawyer before talking to the police or anyone else first. Spending a little money for your peace of mind is well worth it. Find out when you can withold visitation, and when you can't. Then I would talk to the police, and talk to someone high enough to get it resolved. Good luck, I think we ALL feel your pain on this one. [This message has been edited by motwgk (edited 07-05-2006).] |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 07-05-2006 06:24 PM
I hope you'll talk to a lawyer really soon--- most importantly about the way that cop treated you. If you go to his superiors without legal backup, I'm concerned he may retaliate. That guy sounds like a real nut-- and he sounds dangerous. Please let us know how this unfolds. We're thinking of you! |
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sandra Member |
posted 07-05-2006 07:28 PM
thank you for the good advice and encouragement...i still need to go back to that station, or have an attorney do it, (?) and see if a supervisor or higher up can put it IN WRITING, if indeed it is not a matter for the police, then i want someone there to put that in writing, just in case. It worries me greatly to think of that cop showing up here soem afternoon, and making her go on a visit, or what if she was sick one day and had the flu--- i dont want that cop coming here to yank her out of bed and have her go on a visit...!!!! I still cannot wrap my brain around what happened...so unreal. Anyways, thanks for good advice, i will not go to the station w/o first talking with an attorney. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-06-2006 12:20 AM
I have to jump in and take a devil's advocate role. You can't let your daughter decide when or if she is going to see her father. No judge will allow that or see that as effective parenting. If you need to change the visitiation then do so, but you are playing with fire by being arbitrary with your compliance of a visitation order. I find your statement "hey, sorry, she really, doesnt want to go" to be lacking in understanding of the bigger picture. I don't mean to be harsh, there are obviously subtelties to your situation that I could never understand, but at the same time there are certain facts of life that go with divorce and custody arrangements and even parenting. |
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sandra Member |
posted 07-06-2006 07:53 PM
Shawn, i appreciate what you are saying, and in most situations that might be the case...if you read my post (i iknow it was long, and wordy,but i wrote in their about the why of it)....i don't think anyone, including a 13 yo, should be made to go with someone who is abusive,..sorry. My ex has a mental illness and acts very erratic, and threatening and/or has rages, or will lecture madly about some odd subject for an hour, etc. He has told her very disturbing things, and so understandably, she doesn't feel safe goign with him. I do agree however that it needs to be (the visits) changed in court, bc as it stands she has these visits, and is just not wanting to go. If however the visits are not changed, I want to find out more about what her rights are....i guess i'm of the mindset that feels it's important to listen to what a child/teen is saying... 5 yrs ago where we live, there was a dad (not to pick on dads at all, i know there are bad moms out there too, but in this case it happened to be a dad) it was in the paper. This dad and mom were divorced and had a 4 yr old child. OFten times she would act up, or cry alot before or after a visit. The last time he picked her up for a visit at her preschool seh told the teachers not to let her go with him, and she was clinging to the teacher crying. The dad was like "too bad, kid, you HAVE to com e with me" (instead of showing some empathy or tryign to find out why she didn't want to go would be the more normal response...) but he was like too bad, you have to come with me. The teachers thought it was too bad that he didnt seem to care about how she felt, as if she were property. Unfortuatnley, (and I'm not saying at all this is thecase in my situation..but it makes a point) later on the visit, he took her to walk by the beach, on a high cliff. Several witnesses noted that she seemed uncomfortable with her dad, and the two were not talking. The dad was wwalking ahead of her on this narrow pass that usually noone takes a child to walk along. A short time later one of the witnesses heard a scream, and it turned out that he had apparently, (it's being argued in court now) pushed this little girl off teh cliff. Now, I am not saying at all that my ex is in teh same boat as that man who killed his child. But, i am saying it concerns me why she would be acting similarly-- this past Sunday she begged me not to go on teh visit, and was crying. I had to tell her i'm so sorry, but i'm not sure now about this police officer, i have to get that sorted out quickly, and try to make it so you dont have to go, if theres something happening to make you afraid or so uncomfortable. I would feel badly if my daughter didnt want to see me, any parent would, but i would not call some scary police officer to 'bust' her, or me. What kind of relationship is that? She told me as soon as she turns 18 she is not going to talk or see him anymore. I can't relaly blame her, he has no regard for her feelings- but on a deeper level it does concern me somewhat about why she would be that adamant about not going- i have a friend who told me as she got older she didnt like always having to visit her other parent, but that was different- she wasn't afraid, or crying. I feel children, esp by the time you are 13, should have some dignity and personhood and some say so-- i hate the mentality that they are property, to be divvied up and in this case, forced to go "because it was his right"- that was his main concern "it's my right" even if she was clearly very sad, crying, it was too bad, it was his right. That concerns me. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 07-07-2006 05:57 PM
Shawn, I really understand your feeling that children shouldn't be denied either parent, but I have to disagree with you long enough to say that, when one parent is mentally ill the lines become a little blurry. My ex has a mental illness and makes my 15-year-old daughter very uncomfortable and miserable a lot of the time when she sees him. She started feeling uncomfortable with him almost immediately following our separation.... she was spending time alone with him and had no filter (me) between her and him. I finally had to tell her about his illness so she could better understand his unpredictable behavior. It is a very difficult situation to be in and even more difficult to describe. It is very challenging, frustrating, and often confusing and frightening to deal with someone who isn't thinking normally at times. I have 3 single dad friends who deal with the mentally ill mothers of their children. They have the same problems and concerns as Sandra and I, and very carefully limit/monitor time spent with their children's mothers. One dad's ex would show up outside their house yelling through the windows to their daughter that she needed to get out and escape--- that the devil was going to get her inside her house! There were numerous episodes with his ex's schizophrenia and he's had a very hard time keeping his daughter's exposure to this at a minimum. Another dad has had his bipolar ex throw things at his house and cause damage to property. Sometimes visitation circumstances aren't that black and white. And, it's nearly impossible to get the court systems to protect your child from a mentally ill parent. Few people have the money to fight that battle. The hair stands up on the back of my neck when I read Sandra's posts.... I know a little of what she experiences and it's really hard to deal with-- it's very jarring. It's like she said... you can hardly wrap your brain around things like this. |
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