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 A year without a dad....
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| Author | Topic: A year without a dad.... |
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singlemomplus1 Member |
posted 02-09-2009 11:45 PM
  
It has been a whole year without my son's dad around and most of me is happy and the other part of me is still in the "I hate you" phase. When he does decide to call, on that rare occasion, my adrenaline still goes 90 miles an hour because I feel like he's back in my house abusing everything I have ever known to be good. The worst thing is my son gets so excited to hear from his dad and when his dad says he loves him my son asks why. When the phone calls over, all my son says is that, that was his dad. No more no less. Then my son asks me if I will always be with him. I always tell him we will be together forever. He tells me he wants to be with me forever and to never leave him. It breaks my heart to see my son have to go through this because of my poor choice for a father. My son is the bravest little boy I have ever seen and so much stronger than a child should have to be. How do I look into my son's eyes and explain to him what is going on. He doesn't even know that there is any court or legal things going on; just dad moved to a different place and no explanation from him. I just tell him that his dad needs to make better choices and decisions, that's why he had to leave. I could use any advise and encouraging words to help deal with this. I just want to be a good mom for my son!! |
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shawn single dad |
posted 02-10-2009 07:47 PM
I am not quite following, is your son not seeing his dad at all right now? How do you see the future in regards to your son spending time alone with him? My apologies if you have explained this before, I'd like to help... |
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singlemomplus1 Member |
posted 02-11-2009 10:14 PM
My son has not seen his dad for a full year. The court has granted visitation rights but he has never taken the opportunity to make arrangements to go and see him. The only thing that his dad does do on a rare occasion is call to see what he is up to. Another thing that you asked is if I would trust my son's dad to spend time alone with him. That would be a huge NO!! When my son was 6 months old his dad kidnapped him to another state. I had to drive many hours to go and get him and would do it over again in a second. I do not trust him, not for a second. The visitation rights his dad had were supervised visitation only. I hope that gives you a little more insight to what we are going through. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 02-17-2009 08:27 PM
I don't at all stick up for the guy taking your son out of state and causing that kind of drama, but.... if you want your son to have his father in his life you'll have to get over it, and get past the anger of the split, and be the bigger person and take steps to make the situation stable but safe. Start with a court ordered child support combined with a concrete short term supervised visitation. but eventually you'll have to give up that control so they have the ability to bond without the constant supervision. the hard fact of the matter is that this is his father, for better and worse they are father and son, and they need each other. yes, it's true. do you want your son to go through his whole life with some 'dad' on the outer periphery of his life? it seems like it is already causing him some insecurities, so unles the guy is a total monster, let him into his son's life, even push him into his son's life. My ex lost it for a long time, but I didn't give up because they needed their mom, and slowly, agonizingly slow, things got better, and not only did their relationship grow and improve, it made my life better. God Bless you all |
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singlemomplus1 Member |
posted 02-19-2009 11:19 PM
First of all thank you for your response. Secondly, I do understand that my son needs his dad, but what I don't think you quite understand is that I was the one who told the judge that there needed to be a supervised visitation in tacked. I was the one who was the bigger person to come to the table as the adult and ask for phone calls on a regular basis and visitation so they could mantain a relationship. My son's dad is the one who refuses to stay connected with his son. I don't know how to force anyone to do something they aren't willing to do for themselves. The judge has made it very clear to him on more than one occassion that he needed to grow up and be a father. He won't even make support payments that have been court ordered back in September. Don't get me wrong, I can care less if he ever made a payment because my son isn't a pay check by any means. My point being is yes I would like things to go in a more grown up manner but when you're the only grown up it makes it hard too! I don't mean to sound defensive, but in the Lord's eyes I hope that everything I'm doing is the right way. Also, in the court's eyes, everything I have been doing is so much by the book I really don't know how to change someone who really doesn't want something unless I give up and I refuse to give up on my son and a good life for him. I pray every night with my son that his dad decides to make better choices and have a softer heart towards the whole situation and makes an effort to better the situation. At this point I have to rely on God to work his miricles in my son's dad to make him a better Godly person. I pray for myself for the very same thing!! Just because I have my son doesn't mean I don't need the Lord to work his glory on me. What I need from you and anyone else who responds is the understanding and guidence to maintain spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. If you have been through this before and have suggestions, Great! I need all the help I can get!! Oppinions good and not so good. I am reaching out for help. |
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cangel1223 New Member |
posted 04-13-2009 04:39 PM
Unfortunately you can not make the dad spend time with your son. Which is unfortunate for your son. But, it is his father that is truly missing out. I too am a single mother. I have two girls who do see their dad some. But I had to let him know they missed him and constantly tell him of all the "fun" things he was missing out on when he did not see them. We have been separated for a year as well and he is finally beginning to see them on some sort of regular basis, if you want to call it that. I would not allow any unsupervised visits due to the fact that he has already run off with your son before. But he may eventually step up and choose to see his son. He may just need a little time to "grow up" Be patient and don't worry so much about it. What is most important is making the most of your time with your son. As long as you show him love and affection he will be okay without seeing dad. He just needs to know that he is number one in your world. Good luck and my prayers will be with you. |
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singlemomplus1 Member |
posted 04-13-2009 11:30 PM
Thank you so much for your response! I finally have someone who knows how I feel. I don't feel so alone in my situation now. I really am not allowed to talk to my sons father but at the same time I don't tell my son what to say when he does talk to his father so there isn't much being said. What I mean is all the fun stuff is up to his father to ask and want to know. Don't you think??? My lawyer thinks it is in my best interest not to have contact with him until all the court "stuff" is said and done and even then I don't think that he will want anything to do with me. That would be fine with me though. lol! Anyway whatever you have done I would be happy to know what works and what doesn't. My son is the center of my world and the air I breath, I will do anything to keep him safe and with me. Thank you again and God Bless You and your children during this Easter season!!! |
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Charlies_Mama Member |
posted 05-26-2009 08:13 PM
I am sorta in the same situation as you, but my son is 13 wks old. My ex has yet to see Charlie in the past 3 weeks since the court order went into effect. He is busy doing things in his life that he chooses, and I have come to the relization that Charlie and I are not currently a part of it. It kills me that he is missing out on Charlie's life, but HE is choosing not to be a part of Charlie's life. My attorney told me awhile ago something and it's so true...if your ex is choosing not to be a part of your child's life NOTHING you say or do is going to change that. You didn't choose for him to be a bad father, he choose that...don't get down on yourself for that one. I'm sure if you knew then what you know now you wouldn't have gotten preggo and had his baby. |
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purple Member |
posted 05-28-2009 08:57 AM
I dont know about you, but I still would have gotten pregnant and had my baby, my son is the light of my life, what I would have done differently is gotten an iron-clad pre-nup that worked in my favor. Then I wouldn't even have to think about the "wish I knew then what I know now", cause it wouldn't matter. For now though I think I'll buck up and move on! Life gets better and me and my son are happy. |
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