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 Absent Daddy?
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southernlablover Member |
posted 06-15-2008 06:52 PM
  
This is my first post and I am here really needing some advice. I have a single Mom with a 5 year old daughter. Her Dad and I never married and she is considered his illegitimate child according to the state. I never wanted anything for him except for him to be a Dad to her. For the first 2 years of her life, I did everything I could to try to encourage a relationship between them but he just didn't really want anything to do with her. When we visited, he spent his time watching tv or sleeping. So I finally gave up because it caused too much stress on me and caused me to be angry and resentful. The third year of her life, he came and saw her about 4 times. 3 of those times he slept through the visits. He was only coming so his older daughter could visit with her. That has been his reason all along. Is it better for a child to see a Dad like that only a few times a year or for her not to see him at all? She told me today on Father's Day. She has no Daddy. She does not remember him at all now. She is 5 and has not seen him in 1.5 years. I have always been honest with her but not too explicit. Any advice? |
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shawn single dad |
posted 06-17-2008 07:41 PM
That is sad. I am sure you are handling it appropriately for a 5 year old. You may want to point out to the father what she is saying. She still has a long ways to go and needs a father, but not one that can't show her some common decency and be where he'll say he is going to be. maybe a comment to him will give him a jolt. But she shouldn't be subjected to a hit and miss dad, regular structured visits is what a child needs. |
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kat1983 New Member |
posted 07-29-2008 04:48 AM
I have a simular situation. I have a little one of 13 months. The father and I have before more than 7months I left due to emotional abuse. He has seen our son about 4 times (with little interest during contact), last visit four months ago. I wanted the same thing - for the father to have a healthy relationship with our son, and did everything I possibly could do to encourage it. Anyway, this is what I can say. - Ive talked to a lot of my male friends and peers (including the fathers friends) about the situation to get their perspective. Everyone I have talked to think that giving up your child is crazy selfish. This made me feel better that it is not all fathers/ males think that way. - If the only reason that visits were occurring maybe you could have visits with the older sister and leave the father out of the picture (unless he genuinely wants the contact) that way at least your daughter will have a positive relationship with her sibling. I know there are possible issues but having a possible strong relationship with her sister may be worth it - Sometimes I feel as though im failing my son somehow. I remind myself that I am there for my son to the best of my ability and I did not abandon him. Hopefully he will be raised so content that he wont even notice that there may be a difference between his family and the next. - i was reminded this constantly by counsellers ect. You cant force the father to do anything he doesnt want to do. If he genuinely wants to be there he will make the effort. - I know its so hard to let go. If its beyond your control let go. Once I was able to, and lead our lives not waiting around for the father – it made an amazing difference. I didn’t realise how much energy I was spending on this man and worrying when I could be spending it on my son. Actually im also looking for advice as well. I still worry about what to say to my son when he asks where his dad is. I dont want to say anything that is directed at him. Any ideas? [This message has been edited by kat1983 (edited 07-29-2008).] [This message has been edited by kat1983 (edited 07-29-2008).] |
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AtlantaDad Member |
posted 08-09-2008 12:11 AM
Well, I can give you my view on this, but it comes from a slightly different situation, and I will preface my reply with a little about my situation. I am a custodial father of 3, my oldest is 11 now, and she is not my biological child, I however have custody of her. She was 14 months old when mom and I met, and her Bio dad has seen her maybe 5 times in her life most of which I was there for. While bio-dad knows my door is always open, and knows my email address, and where to find me, while I talk to his mom every 2 weeks or month at times and we have a fantastic relationship, I have learned that trying to force any relationship between your child and someone that is not ready for one is dangerous. All that it will do is keep the hurt and pain more at the surface. It will be an in their face all the time thing. You have to let him come when he wants to (not as in stay with you but as in have time). You can not be the person to initiate this time. You can not initiate the phone calls, and the contact. You can not force things. I have let him know that when ever he is ready for whatever he is ready for that he knows how to reach me. That I will n ot be the one to initiate anything, but whatever they decide to have one day is between them, and I welcome it whatever they mutually decide on. I can not however try to initiate or maintain that relationship for them though, because it will only hurt my daughter if it is not genuine on his part. ------------------ |
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