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 am i just worrying?
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| Author | Topic: am i just worrying? |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 08-08-2007 09:19 AM
  
My daughter and I are going to counseling becasue of her temper tantrums at home and soemtimes agressive behavoir. So far the only thing I have learned is I need to be more consistent in discipline and sets consequences for her behavoir. That is our main focus? If my ex happens to take me to court in the future, can he get the records and knwo how her behavoir is at my house and use that against me? Another question- probably more important worry. Her grandpa called her out of a room where she was playing to ask her to sit on his lap and watcha movie. I asked her yelling in from another roon - is he giving you his candy? (like he usually does because I don't let her have too much junk) She said "No I am jsut sitting here on his lap" Is that strange that a grown man would ask a 6 year old to sit on his lap while they are watching TV? |
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shawn single dad |
posted 08-08-2007 11:23 PM
you do worry, don't you? worried that getting help for yourself and your daughter will lead you to lose custody... and worried that her grandpa is a child molester... I don't mean to be flippant, but do you see where I am going with this? |
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mommyof2 Member |
posted 08-09-2007 03:32 PM
Shawn, I don’t think she is being a worrier; these are valid questions that would concern any parent. Heck in this day and age it’s always best to be cautious about things that concern the well being of your child. Atwitsend, if your child is being difficult with you I can guarantee she is being difficult with her father as well. That’s what kids do at that age and I agree with the counselor you need to set clear boundaries and be consistent with the rules in your home and follow through with consequences. As for your ex, don’t stress he cannot use the fact that the two of you are going to counseling against you, heck if anything it would work in your favor by showing that you take an active interest in the well being of your child. As for the grandpa issue if you are uncomfortable and feel uneasy about him calling her out from another room to sit on his lap to watch a movie I would side in using precaution. I come from a very affectionate family but there is a fine line to be drawn when grandpa asks for a 6 year old to sit on his lap to watch a movie. Rather than making a big deal you may just want to say ______ is a big girl now she can sit next to grandpa and watch a movie and then go on to ask if anyone wants a snack. That way you are not making a big deal but still setting some standards. |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 08-09-2007 03:54 PM
Do you have reason to believe that Grandpa may be capable of something like that? If so, you are very right to be concerned. A parent's intuition is pretty precise. |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 08-09-2007 10:26 PM
Well, other than an intuition I have nothing to go on. I talked to the counselor todaya nd she had a long talk with my duaghter ( of course I was in the room). when my daughter stepped out, she told me jsut in conversation with her nothing gives her a indication that some abuse is going on- becasue my daughter kept on answerin g questions, elaborating on the answers, never got quiet and withdrawn so I think that is a good sign. I will keep a eye on it. At least with me and the counselor talking she knows the difference between "good touch and bad touch" and who to tell if someone is doing the bad way. In her answer, she said she would tell mom, grandma, grandpa, or a teacher. So he was included in the llist of safe people, at least. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 08-10-2007 12:14 PM
it's a sad day when you think your grandpa is a child molester, or is this your dad you are talking about? either way, you would know whether he is one or not, he isn't just going to become one. precaution?! no, I'm sorry but I think it is just plain sad when someone makes such absurd accusations. I hope they stay close and she grows up with wonderful memories of sitting with her grandpa, from age 3 to 23. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 08-10-2007 09:38 PM
I think it's good that you're teaching your daughter about good and bad touching. It is so important to talk to children about this. I think it's natural for you to briefly wonder about grandpa's-- or any other man's--intentions towards your daughter. I also think it's important to realize that our fears are usually just that-they're fears. Being a single mother is hard and the stress is manifesting itself right now in your worries. I think your worries are normal, but you may be letting them get the best of you. We all go through moments of doubt and fear. My mother always told me that it is rarely the things that you worry about that actually ever become real problems. Try not to worry about your ex taking your daughter, or about grandpa being a weirdo. These things are highly unlikely to happen and are uselessly robbing you of valuable energy. |
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susa7805 Member |
posted 08-27-2007 09:11 AM
Shawn are you from Ark by chance? I have known my ex's grandpa to be a molester. It is sad but its more sad to think people shouldn't worry about the possibility. Reality is that it happens alot. Thats why God gave us (mothers) such good intuition..... |
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shawn single dad |
posted 08-27-2007 08:19 PM
you don't need to insult me, and everyone in Arkansas, becuase I think someone is blowing a situation out of proportion, she asked if she was worrying and I thought she was... all men are pervs, that's a given, but I disagree that there is a fine line between being affectionate and a child molester, it is a HUGE LEAP and very rare to be an incestual pedophile, give me a break! In our journey we are blessed with only a few people who truly love us and our children unconditionally, grams and gramps are some of those rare ones, so while it is one thing to be vigilant and aware and another to be worried with no proof to the point of limiting the love and affection to our children from someone so special. where were you raised to not know how to trust in God to give and your children the love they need and deserve? |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 08-28-2007 06:35 AM
Just for the record- I did ask for anyone's opinoin-- and shawn, if that is your opinoin I respect it and if the others think I should worry or be more cautious in the future, don't worry I will be. I am being cautious with both eyes open--but trying not to pierce through good intentions and just plain affection. But in this world, how can you not be suspicious? Just the other day, two parents I thought were the prime example of marriage love and loving parents had a baby that ended up with a skull fracture There are no sure bets in life anymore. just a fact. |
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charmell Member |
posted 08-29-2007 03:52 PM
Molestation is a real problem in society but it doesn't always happen. It's good to be alert and aware, open/honest with your children but there's a fine line that makes us paranoid. Watch out for that because it makes the kids hesitant (unable) to trust, in general. I used to be so concerned about my ex taking whatever he could to get the kids back. Reality is, I lost focus on being a good mom because I was worried so much about him. Focusing on what your daughter "needs" is the best way to get any court to recognize you as a good parent, regardless of what your ex says or does. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 08-31-2007 03:08 PM
Shawn, I respectfully disagree with you. I think incestual molestation is more common than we could ever imagine.... it's just rare for anyone to get CAUGHT doing it. Most victims do not speak out, they suffer their whole lives in shameful silence. This happens to a lot of children. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 09-04-2007 08:23 PM
I think there is some miscommunication here. I am not suggesting that molestation doesn't exist, or that we shouldn't be aware and cautious of the intimacies to which children are exposed. But specific to this thread, the original question and the responses, my point is two-fold. First, it seems to me that, yes, she is worrying and the facts, as she states them, I think bare this out. Second, men do not just become child molesters in middle age or older. Molestation is, paradoxically, both an inherited and learned trait. It is inherited because, sadly, it is passed from one generation to the next. Yes, I know incestual molestation does exist. In probably one of my not so compassionate moments in my life as a single parent I dropped a girl within minutes of her telling me how her dad had spent repeated stints in prison for molesting her and others in her family. She was a nice and sweet girl, and I needed some loving at that time in my life, but there was just no way that I would expose my family to that situation. But to think that the man who raised you with no molestation, your dad who is now grandpa to your little girl or boy, has somehow become this monster, I don't think that is valid. Molestation has nothing to do with 'this day and age' nor with being affectionate, and especially not from which part of the country you reside, so I found it sad and frustrating to hear advice which reinforces the worry and suggests limiting the contact between granddaughter and grandfather. peace and love to all |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 09-05-2007 06:16 PM
Shawn, I just thought your first response in this thread was very accusatory. If was as if she was wrong for just having opened her mouth. Who of us here hasn't worried that the ex would take our actions (or our children's) and use them against us? I've thought of that.... would my ex try to take my daughter if he senses any weakness in our home? Single mothers go through a LOT of judgment in our society... we quickly learn to wonder about others' intentions and perceptions. It's not always so easy to completely trust that God will take care of us, especially when things are going badly and things seem out of control. I think it was unfair for you to judge her level of faith based on her few words. She didn't bring God into it, did she? I would rather be a mother who thinks twice about having her daughter sit on laps than be one who is clueless. I didn't see that atwitsend was accusing her father outright; I just thought that she was just alarmed and wondering. Something set off those alarms in her mind. Isn't it better to at least acknowledge them, rather than dismiss them? Further, I think it's unrealistic to think that just because a man didn't abuse his own daughter that he isn't capable of it. To me, that's like saying.... A man who didn't murder someone yesterday probably isn't capable of murder today. I didn't see that she's got an "all men are pervs" perspective. I thought she was just thinking like the mother of a little girl... and that involves a lot of guarding-- yes, from men, too. My daughter's 16 now-- Lord, how it involves guarding from men. And on the subject of men being pervs.... yes, a LOT are. If you'd seen the way 40-50 year old men looked at my daughter when she was 12 and 13 it would make you sick. I remember the way men looked at me when I was very, very young. You have to be on the receiving end of that to understand what's it like. This should be a safe place to ask such questions, to share such feelings. Please don't take women's feelings personally. Women go through more abuse in our society than you realize. |
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atwitsend Member |
posted 09-06-2007 10:20 PM
I feel as if I started a war at this site with my question. I wanted someone else's perspective on the situation with my daughter sitting on grandpa's lap-- to clarify "grandpa" its not my dad just the babysitter's family ( who my daughter calls grandma and grandpa they have had her full time since age 6 months when I work full time) This was the first time I had any reason to be concerned about what goes on there. So, that is why I asked if I was worrying or if anyone else found that strange. I like most single mom worry about the ex "getting even" with them for divorcing them or leaving them. One way ( I guess my weakness) is to use something against me to make me look like a "bad mom"-if my daughter's behavior at home is subnormal then he could easily say she would be better at his home. Thats all I was worrying about. I do have her in counseling hoping things will get better. I am sorry if I started a problem at this site. I did feel safe posting this question -- I thought I could get very objective views and opinoins without any influence if someone knew me. My personal friends of course give me advice but they know my ex, they don't want to hurt my feelings, etc. Objective opinoins -- I got! and I appreciate it , really. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 09-07-2007 08:01 PM
first off, the back and forth is great! life would be pretty dull if we all agreed on everything. and not to belabor the point becuase no one seems to either understand what I am saying or agree with me, but that's ok, but I wasn't judging at all. I simply replied to the topic posted, "am I just worrying?" and my instinct said yes, and that was based on what was written and how the two different issues were presented. I kept responding because most everyone's message seemed to be "yes, worry, be afraid, be very afraid." My message is "be not afraid." Seperate the fact from the hysteria and give your worries to God, that is what He wants, and for me that is the only way I can stay sane. Not to say I don't worry, I do, being a single dad carries a lot of worries, but I pray everyday "thy will be done" and that seems to help because I am not a stressed person. I love life and I love all of you. |
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