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 VACATION?
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| Author | Topic: VACATION? |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-11-2007 11:51 PM
 
So my ex would like to take out 18 month old away for a vacation with his family for a week...I'm not so sure I want to let her go. She has only spent one over night with her father since she was born and for that matter one night away from Mom in her likfe so far. I am feeling like she may be too young for a week away...what are your thoughts? Am I being crazy? |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 07-12-2007 08:34 AM
I wouldn't want to let her go either. Does she know his family really well? |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-12-2007 10:17 AM
She does know his family. She sees them once a week. That's not the problem. It has taken a long time to get her on any kind of schedule and he doesn't ( and refuses ) to follow it. She comes back from one day with him and is cranky and demanding (she's not like that with me). I'm just wondering what it will be like after a week without discipline and routine. Do you think 18 months is too young to go away for a week? Maybe I'm just being over bearing...but I consider myself to be a really laid back mom for the most part. It's just that my daughter thrives on routine ( most kids do) and he has no consideration for that. He's her playmate once a week not her Father. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't want it to come across as if I am trying to keep her from them, that is not the cast at all. Advice? Has anyone dealt with this before? |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-13-2007 12:16 AM
I think you should very definitely let her go. This is her family and that's her life. Schedules, like life, change all the time. Yes, as single parent's we need to strive for stability, and you obviously do. But we grow through new experiences. |
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lexiesmom Member |
posted 07-14-2007 08:39 AM
I agree with Shawn. Schedules will always change, and yes it is a pain to get them back on a schedule but it her family as well and if you aren't concerned about her safety and well being than I don't see why she shouldn't go. just like you family wants to spend time with her so does his. My daughter was 11 months and I had to let her go to out of town for a week with her father. It was hard but she survived  mom had a harder time of it. My parents take thier granddaughter (my neice) with them on vacation often, with out her parents. her scheudle gets a bit off but she is always so happy when she come. Lex used to go out of town with them when she was 2 up til we moved out here and she loves the times she got with them with out mom around. and they go places that I would never think of going, South dakota not on my ideal vacation list. But she loved it and fishing and all that stuff. |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-14-2007 12:56 PM
So I decided to have a conversation with her father about my concerns and see if we could come up with a compromise. I offered to drop her at their house so that her stay was cut in half only 2 nights away instead of five. I thought this was reasonable. He proceded to yell at me in front of our daughter and scared her. I told him that when we could discuss this like adults we could talk about a vacation and he proceeded to raise his voice at me...and has called twice to yell some more. Now he is saying that his whole family is done with me and I am the most unreasonable person. He has made me msecond guess myself too many times. I decided that she would not go. I know that things would probably been fine, but with no room for even a conversation about it? He put me in the position to make all the decisions concerning her and I am trying to do that without all the crap he's throwing at me! He's gone so low as to bring up very hurtful things from the past...I really just didn't feel comfortable with the vacation after his behavior toward me. I hope I am making the right choices for her... |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 07-14-2007 01:06 PM
What is your custody plan? |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-15-2007 07:02 AM
We don't have one. We haven't gone through the courts....yet. We had made agreements when I was pregnant and that's it. He has left it to me to make "all the decisions" (his words not mine) and she will live with me. He is not a bad person, he's just immature and can't handle a child on a daily basis. He doesn't even spend more than four hours with her before dropping her back with me. And to top it all off for a 29 year old man, he had his mother call me to discuss things...he needs to grow up a little. Am I wrong? I'm not intentionally trying to hurt him or his family, that's not who I am. |
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lkellyhappy1 Member |
posted 07-15-2007 07:26 AM
Its hard being seperated from your kids. Its better to do it gradually. I let my kids stay with him and his family because they derserve time with the kids. I drew the line at out of the country till they were old enough to pick up a phone and dial. You are right to be upset. Maybe if you tell him what a hard time you are having with this and ask for a more gradual thing he will understand. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-16-2007 08:27 PM
a week is not that long, don't punish your daughter for your ex's temper by not letting her form a relationship with her family, people who love her and want to give new life experiences to her. I know you only want the best for her, but you won't always be able to have total control, it is actually best for a child to have as many people loving them and helping them grow as possible. please reconsider your position, try to balance in your mind all of the good that can come out of her father learning how to be a father and the loving times she is going to have with her grandparents. |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-16-2007 09:51 PM
I don't feel as if this is a punishment to her. I also don't feel it is OK for him to have that type of temperment in front of her and he needs to realize that. I have never said no to anything with his family. I actually have a pretty decent relationship with them all, but I also need to feel heard when it comes to making these decisions. All I asked for was a conversation about it and I received a scolding from both him and his mother. That is not adult behavior. My daughter doesn't even know she's missing something this year, but she will soon and if we can't discuss things rationally and meet eachother half way when it comes to her it's a very big problem. I would never keep her from a relationship with him...I have actually pushed for him to be more involved but he usually doesn't show interest....unless he can play dad of the year! As for yelling at me in front of our daughter, I will not let her think it is OK to be talked to like that. And I never want to have to hold her and tell her again that Mommy is OK when she gets scared half to death of her own fathers voice. That's just not Ok behavior. I sppreciate what you're saying, but I second guess myself all the time when it comes to him because I never want to slight him or his family. In the long run it has been me being slighted and alwys bending to accomodate them. What about my side of things? Don't I have to right to be heard? And as her primary caregiver don't I have the right to ask for compromise? |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-17-2007 10:46 PM
you have every right to be heard, and every right to have civility in your life. I am coming from the point that you said she has only had ONE overnight visit in her whole life! And now he and his family want to spend a week with her doing something special and you are saying no. Just because she doesn't know she is missing something doesn't mean it is not affecting her. I am saying that she needs to spend more time, a whole lot more time, with her dad, and his family. Why not?! Why the limited contact? I don't mean to be harsh, I only want you and your daughter to be happy. And again, I agree about wanting to give stability to a child, and this is especially true to a child of divorce. But unless he and his family have some MAJOR defect, then you should strive, encourage, and even push for your daughter's father to take a highly active role in her life. This will give a her a real dad, and will also give you needed help and some time off. Please don't come back with a long list of what is wrong with him and why he can't be a good father. At least he is there making some attempt. As many of us know, life can suck, we get involved with the wrong person and then we are suddenly single, trying to survive and do our best to give a decent life to our children. I guess some ex's are beyond repair, but I am an optimist and believe most want to give a good life to their children. It requires a lot, a flippin lot, of patience on our part as they grow into the role, and some grow slow. But patience does pay, and God helps us on the way. (nice rhyme huh? |
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lexiesmom Member |
posted 07-18-2007 07:39 AM
I have to agree with Shawn and in no way am i tryinf to judge you or tell you what you shuld do or what is best in your situation. Shawn is right you said she has only spent one night away from you, you don't think that maybe some of your ex's outbirsts might be coming from the fact that he hasn't gotten to spend any of those nights with his daughter? Yes throwing a tantrum in front of you daughter is not acceptable. And you say you are trying to meet him half way, but your are also asking him to drop down a five night visit to only two nights, that really isn't halfway. YOu said before that you twodont have a formal agreement, maybe you need to think about sitting with a mediator, or a lawyer and getting a formal agreement. I can almost guarantee that they will be requiring much more than just five nights away. most likely every other weekend and then a few weeks to two months months over the summer. I understand your hestitaion I understand its hard to let her go, but she is going with poeple who love her, who you dont have fear of them running off with her. Why not? Five days will come a nd go before your know it, as will the next 18 years. YOur ex is her father and as long as he wants to be in her life he deserves to be in her life. meeting halfway is not mom 364 nights a year and dad 1. If it helps to think about it this way, what happens when she is a bit older, a few years and you want to start getting out having some kind of social life, or god forbid dating again, and you want him to take her for a weekend? For starters she hasn't been away from home and she hasn't had all that much time with him so most likely will be a screaming match because she won't want to stay. or he is going to say no because now her staying over is only because it suits your needs at the time with out consideration of what his needs have been. good luck with the decision we have all had hard ones to make. |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-18-2007 08:43 AM
He has only had her for one night because he is uncomfortable with having her for long stretches...NOT because of me. I have done nothing but ask for and encourage time with her father...HE is the one who doesn't make time for it. All of a sudden there's a switch that goes off! All I asked for was a conversation. |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 07-19-2007 09:02 AM
I still understand where you are coming from. It would be different if he had kept her over night more than once in her life. |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-22-2007 08:53 AM
Thank you Leigh...I was beginning to think I was an awful person. I guess I just feel he should want to give these things a try a little closer to home so if things to go awry there's an out and he can bring her home. Thanks for understanding...I've been feeling really alone on this. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-23-2007 08:43 PM
I don't think anyone here thinks you are anywhere near to being an awful person. But, I still haven't heard one compelling reason to deny your daughter's father and her family some alone time with her. Why are you pushing this fight? Pushing this is alienating yourself and your daughter even more from her father and his family. I just don't get it. Part of what you say is that you just want some civil conversation. There are a million broken-up couples out there that cannot do this, and that is why there is divorce. and that is why lexiesmom is so right about having a parenting plan in place. Civility and open communication will come in time, years. In the meantime you should have a firm agreement to make him step up and to give you some needed help and time for yourself. That's the real kind of stability you and your child need. |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 07-24-2007 08:57 AM
I don't think JJmum wants to alienate her daughter from her father. That's what he has done in the past on his own by only having her spend the night with him one time. Having a little girl go from that to several nights away from her mom where she is used to being could be hard on her. It should be a more gradual thing. I think JJmum is thinking of her daughter's feelings of security here as most mothers would do. Shawn why do you think she is pushing this fight? Why are you putting the blame on her when all she is doing is thinking about the well-being of her daughter? She is not saying that he can't see her or have a relationship with her. JJMum has said that in the past she has been the one to try to get the father more involved. It's as simple as going from one night away in her whole life to several nights away from her mother all at once. That is hard on little ones. Like I said earlier, it needs to be a more gradual process. |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-24-2007 11:45 AM
Thanks again for understanding. Shawn, I know you are a single Dad and seem to be sticking up for the whole lot of you out there...however not all may be like you. My Ex has needed to be pushed into a relationship with her father and I just think that we need to do the over night stuff at a much slower pace. My daughter does not sleep through the night still and frankly he has never had to deal with that. I think slow is a better option than sending her away for a week. It does feel like you are pushing an arguement on me. I don't want to take anything away from my daughter...I just want to know that she is feeling a sense of security when she is gone. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-24-2007 04:29 PM
as I said, one week is not that long, she will be fine, give her and her father's family more credit. do you really believe that they, the entire family, can't handle a toddler for one week, are THEY that inexperienced and/or incompentant? I just think the positive of her and her father and his family spending some extended time together is a major plus, I don't see the negatives to that, I just don't. again, why not?! is she going to be traumatized for life, or is it time for her to experience something new with people who love her and want to be with her, for just a few days! best of luck to you all |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 07-24-2007 05:14 PM
JJMum, I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are. A week is a long time for an 18-month-old who hasn't spent but a night away from home, but it's even longer for mom, who instinctually wants to protect her little girl. Dad doesn't have much of a track record here. She's only spent ONE night with him her whole life? Seriously? He hasn't wanted her any more than that the whole time? Is it because he hasn't wanted to have her? Have you discouraged overnight visits? If he truly hasn't tried to do more than one overnight visit her whole life, I understand your position. I agree that a couple of nights at first would be better for your daughter than a whole week. Unfortunately, the adults involved probably aren't thinking of the child's welfare--they're thinking of their own feelings. They're only thinking of their own entitlement to have her in their lives-- which, of course, is a good point. Still, a whole week is a long visit for an 18-month-old and guess who gets to spend the next 2 weeks getting her back on schedule? Mommy!! When my daughter goes to visit my ex, she comes home emotionally drained and physically sick (every damned time!). My ex let an ear infection get completely out of hand and my daughter was in agony by the time she got home last summer! I understand your reluctance to let her go for a whole week, especially when your ex won't have a civil conversation with you about it (my ex's idea of a "civil conversation" is one in which everything goes as he plans and he is DAD OF THE YEAR too!). Does your daughter have a crib at their place-- a place where she's slept (naps or whatever) and is comfortable? Are these familiar surroundings for her? I think these are important things that HIS family should be considering. She's just a baby-- and her comfort matters! This should be about more that just their entitlement to spend time with her. Everyone should be thinking about her welfare and comfort, too. Maybe your conversations with your ex could be about their plans to help your daughter be comfortable and happy for that week. Does your ex plan to be there for the WHOLE week? What is plan B is he can't handle it? What is the plan for HER best interests? |
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JJMum Member |
posted 07-28-2007 09:27 AM
No, he has never asked for her to spend the night with him. The one time she did I had a very close member of my family pass away and had a late wake and early funeral to go to...it is obviously inappropriate to bring her along...I had to call him and ask if he could take her overnight. So, he has never asked. She doesn't have a crib there. They do have a pack-n-play but she has never slept in one of those (I did try before), she just screams. No one has thought of her. His mother called me and pretty much told me I was an awful mother and was not thinking of them, only myself...interesting enough...I was only thinking of my daughter. I know it will be tough the first time she's away from me for an extended time...I know I'll get through it and it will happen eventually...I just think 18 months is too young when she doesn't know the house she's going to and has never spent the night with them. Why can't we start slowly for her sake? Is this a crazy thought? Isn't an 18 month old capable of this type of adjustment? I think throwing her in to find out what will happen is not a kind approach for her...don't we all remember what it was like to be a child? |
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lkellyhappy1 Member |
posted 07-28-2007 11:20 AM
Pick someone in his family that you feel the most comfortable talking to. You have to pick somone. Make appropriate arrangements for her stay over, write a note about her, her likes and dislikes and explain it to the person. Pack everything that she will need for her care and to make her comfortable, plus what she may need. You need to make the transistion to her staying with the other side of the family. If something goes wrong you will have reason to withhold visitation and take them to court for a court order. I have never had to do this, but other people have. Some people talked about getting a mediator and or taking it to court. If they cant be reasonable and allow short visits till she adjusts it could get much worse later. I had huge fights with my ex about taking the kids out of the country when they were toddlers. It was stupid because they were little, 99% of his family lives here, and at the time there was a good chance I never would have seen them again. I wish I could have afforded an attorney. Once he took them to Disney World and all I asked was that he call me when he got there so I would know they made it safely and he didnt. I was watching the news for plane crashes. It has gotten easier as the years have gone by, 12 years. I have never done anything the cross him and he has mellowed A LOT. At times we dont like eachother very much. I am having some problems right now and he is trying to help me. You need to work through this in the best way possible so that you can have a good realtionship with him and his family. They are going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life. You need to work out an amicable relationship. Yes it is hard letting her go, but we have all had to do it. Shawn is single dad and he has raised his kids by himself in case you were wondering. This is his web site. I think he is thinking about the kids and what he would do. [This message has been edited by lkellyhappy1 (edited 07-28-2007).] |
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bazile21 New Member |
posted 09-13-2007 06:24 PM
So what happened? I would not have let her go either. I would kindly tell x & his family, when he decides to take an interest & get her used to him, maybe next summer she can vacation w/ them. I'd advise them to start w/ shorter periods of time, as you suggested, for her sake. Doesn't grandma (his mom)ever want her for sleep overs??? |
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JJMum Member |
posted 09-14-2007 09:52 AM
That is exactly what I told him. She didn't go on vacation and I simply let him and his family know that she was too young for such a change. (I ended up talking to her doctor about the situation and he agreed that considering the situation she was just too young) I told him that he needed to start to show interest in her on a daily basis NOT when it's convenitent for him and we could work our way up to overnights, but for now this is where it stands. It was tough, but he needs to decide to be her Dad all the time not when he can fit it in to his schedule. I think he's starting to figure that out too because she is now resisting going with him at all because it's too sporadic. We now have set days and times that he comes to get her. Now if only I could tackle the amount of TV she watches when she's with him...but I guess that's a discussion for another time! Thanks for asking! |
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