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 Question for the men (or women who have the answer)
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bonkers Member |
posted 07-28-2005 04:03 PM
 
Well, My older boy is 12. He went through early puberty at ten years old due to being on steroids for a year when he was nine. (cancer survivor) Sooo, he matured faster than all of his friends physically and I'm sure in other ways. he doesn't like to talk about things with mom of course, but I have had "the talk" or a little bit of it with him, more about the body changes and such. Now his friends are catching up with him and all they talk about are girls. My son on the other hand is beet red if I ask him about what color hair a girl has in his class, he is still very much so shy and unsure. I know the desires are there, I'm not stupid, but he is still very much a momma's boy and insecure about himself. I have parental controls on my home computers. I work from home so that computer of course is not used by my son. My other one he is on and chats with his friends in an online game daily(which I checked out and its ok). I just had a business trip for a week in Canada and my son stayed with my parents. I was just told that he used their computer (knowing they are pretty computer illiterate) and went to a couple of cartoon porn sites. What to do??? I know the cuiosity is there. I know I cant' protect him from ever being anywhere where it is brought out either by someone else or perhaps he ...as he did...pursues it as soon as he gets a chance. He doesn't have a male role model in his life. It is only me, and his dad maybe twice a year sees him. I have no idea here....is it time to have condom discussions and such? I haven't gone that far yet. More just talking about body changes and desires that are normal etc. As far as the porn thing...I sat him down and just explained to him that pornography is not "sex" or "making love". What he sees online is generally going to be vulgar and isnt' what I want him to view sex as. Kids are going to share the funniest things they find on the net which is going to be things like beastiality, gay sex, fettish sites, anal stuff, bondage etc and I don't want him to see that until way after he has an understanding of what sex should be between two people that care about each other!!!! So...should I jsut sit him down and force him to watch Lifetime with me so he can see couples making love? Just kidding...but really...how do you approach this issue? I mean,t his is a generation that is not going to be sneaking a spread of playboy and simply learning about the anatomy of a woman. They are going to be downloading hard core porn and sharing it over their phones! Any ideas? I know it can't be stopped, but I dont' know what to say to him really. The only thing I really got on to him about was the fact that he disrespected and insulted his grandparents. The rest I just tried to talk to him about it while he squirmed and turned various shades of maroon. Help? [This message has been edited by bonkers (edited 07-28-2005).] |
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leigh1517 Member |
posted 07-29-2005 07:15 AM
You did the right thing by sitting him down and talking to him about it. Letting him know that this isn't what making love is all about was something he needed to hear. But...it's so normal for him to do what he did. When my oldest was that age I started finding dirty magazines and videos under his bed. I was disgusted. It's so hard when it's your first. Then it just seems normal when your second son does the same thing...that poor first child. Do you remember the condom posting from me about a year ago? I was doing laundrey and shook a pair of jeans and a condom fell out! All you can do is monitor them closely and talk to them about what's right and wrong. Even if they don't seem to want to hear what you're saying, it's sinking in and it will make a difference. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 07-29-2005 06:53 PM
MN--- Whoah. I don't think we've been looking at the same naked men. I think the male body is just as beautiful. I also believe it's built to be attractive.... those strong arms, the muscles, the chest. I believe we're culturally conditioned to see the female body as more beautiful. For centuries, men have ruled-- and hence, what they think is beautiful is what is communicated and valued. Men's bodies are just as beautiful. Pick up the magazines and look at the male models. I ran my car off the road once in high school looking at a gorgeous, shirtless male. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 07-29-2005 08:51 PM
sex, nudity, and yes masturbation are all natural and all of us learn mostly as we go. while he does need someone to discuss with him the basics of aids and pregnancy (a grandpa or friend of the family perhaps) r r r rich is r r r right, you are suffering on this much more than him, whether we are 14 or 40 men and momen view sex so much differently and no boy wants to talk to his mom about it  keep being a great mom and he will be ok |
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cgracec Member |
posted 07-29-2005 09:48 PM
My son is a little hacker with the computers. He has a friend who can hack into them from somewhere else and change a passord...or remove parental controls. When they were about 13 they practiced on my computer. I was pretty shocked when I discovered he was checking out the porn sites. Since I too am a single mom with no male role model around. Well my ex isn't too far away but when I called him his response was, "all right. I'll teach him about condoms." At this point I decided to talk with my son in the way I communicate best. I just started speaking my mind. I just sat him down and explained about condoms and aids in a very unemotional way, then I explained that porn is the technical side of sex and there is so much more. I told him sex and making love are different. I said that a kiss, or a caress, is the beginning of making love and in reality, it isn't sex people truly crave, it is making love. While sex touches us physically, making love touches all of our senses. So, while I realize he is curious, I also think it is best if he not spend any more time on porn sites because they don't tell the whole story. He was beet red and never looked anywhere but his shoes during the entire conversation but he seemed to get it. I am so grateful that I will never ever have to do it again! Good Luck! |
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bonkers Member |
posted 08-01-2005 02:38 PM
cgracec - AMEN, sounds like the direction and route I took, I think it is the best... richard - I already know he has a relationship with Rosy Palms, I ((GASP SHUDDER)) walked in on him when he was 10. He didn't see me THANK GOODNESS.... NEVER want to do that again, but i give him his privacy now. It took that to realize my little boy wasn't that little any more. I know he will look at porn, I have no issue with that, I even bought him a book that has explicit drawings and photos but in an educational way. I also bookmarked a website I found for him and didn't tell him about it, just let him find it on his own. It really is great for kids. www.afraidtoask.com I even found some stuff on there interesting! tee hee He has looked at it daily since then. :~) Don't know if he realizes I placed it in his view for him to look at it, but hey, whatever helps him to learn without ONLY seeing the hard core side of sex. on a side note - don't know who said it about the female body, but I wholeheartedly agree. I have nude sculptures in my home, none that actually show privates, but woman with baby, woman in embrace, things of that nature. I think the womans body is perhaps the most beautiful thing, I have always appreciated nude arts. A male body though I have to overlook, I don't find much attraction there visually. That's not to say there arent' incredibly delicious men out there, I do see them, but it is generally their eyes or their smile that catches my eye, not their body. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 08-02-2005 02:32 PM
I lightedheartedly disagree, Bonkers. When I picture Brad Pitt in his armor in the movie "Troy," all I think of is-- wow. And, it's not his eyes or his smile that leaves such an impression. I think men's strong arms, shoulders are very beautiful-- just beautiful in a different way than women's bodies. |
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bonkers Member |
posted 08-02-2005 03:22 PM
I was in the mall over the weekend and passed by Abercrombie. A male model was there surrounded by girls, shirtless of course. I'll admit I took a second, or third glance, he was CUT! I may have even come back around to pass by him again. A truly gorgeous work of art that body was. There is something about the strength associated with that six pack and those arms....nice! Then I realized this is the middle of the mall! and I got pissed and then upset that it even worked on me.... Now if a woman had been in the middle of the mall in nothing but a thong, I would have been horrified and probably would not have appreciated her body at all. I think the female body is exquisite, but more in a subtle, nurturing, loving way. I love the photos of a pregnant woman or a breastfeeding woman, they are so beautiful and their faces just shine with love and adoration. That is the true beauty of a woman. |
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cgracec Member |
posted 08-02-2005 08:38 PM
Personally, I find a male body to be very sexy. There is something about the male form, especially with a broad shoulder set that makes my heart stop. |
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startingover Member |
posted 08-02-2005 10:25 PM
Bonkers, I too went through the computer porn. It sounds like you are close to your son and doing the right thing. I approached it the same way with open communication, books, etc.. but the porn caught me off guard. I was actually more upset that he was able to go around my parental codes and the viruses that came with the porn. SO...I sat down with him and explained the same thing that it is not the same as "making love" and that most sexual relationship people are involved in are not like what are seen in porn movies, mags, books, etc... I did let him know it was normal for teens to be curious. I have also been very open with him about the female body. At first he was uncomfortable, but I have tried to make it very matter of fact, no big deal and he has started coming to me and asking me questions. GOODLUCK!!! PS by the way I also have now that he is older given him a book about some of the diseases that can be caught if people do not practice safe sex. He is 15 and in High School. I wanted him to know the good and the bad. I think that worked or I have damaged him for life.(lol) [This message has been edited by startingover (edited 08-02-2005).] |
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vincent New Member |
posted 06-12-2007 08:31 AM
Truth be told, at least one of your parents probably looked in your room when you were at school. Coming from an Italian American household, it took me a long time to figure out how the picture of Saint Joseph got on my "hidden" stash of Playboy's! I use Responsible Surfing and I'm GLAD!. Be careful of these games that allow internet play like the SIMS (one of the editions). I am a STRONG advocate of keeping the computer in the family room. I have a set of wireless headphones that my kid uses while she's on the computer and I watch TV (and vice versa). I remember the episode of LAW & ORDER where they made the point that you have to lock your doors and your windows to keep the bad guys out and now the bad guys can come in through the computer so you've got to watch that, too.It also protects my kids from pron websites and online predators. |
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