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 How do you stay focused?
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| Author | Topic: How do you stay focused? |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 04-23-2008 07:48 PM
  
Most people, when they are divorced, get to start to heal and move on with thier lives if they so choose. I want to so bad, but I am stuck in my ex-husbands world as long as he sees fit. I will explain, but after I do I need some advice as to how to stay focused before I lose my mind... My divorce was official in January. For logistical reasons, eventhough I could have, I chose not to stay in the marital home. The house is now on the market (but the market sucks, so the house is taking time to sell). Effective March 1, my ex-husband was instructed as per the divorce agreement that he was to remove all his belongings from the garage (he has his half full of furniture that will not fit into his girlfriend and his new home). He has not done this. Legally I can do with it whatever I want. I have told him that, I have told him I am going to change the locks. He does two things first he offers me all kinds of promises that he will get his stuff out that week, or he might threaten me with not selling the house less than a certain price and I will be stuck here for as long as he wants me here. Things still go missing from the house. I am now using platic utensils because he claims that his nephew threw his away (I gave mine to a friend to hold until I actually move). As in the past he has told me that we will be back together, only instead of saying 10 years from now, he is down to 2 years. I can forgive him for the affair (sort of), but I dont know how to forgive him for everything he has done to me after he left, it is a game, and those of you who have been here heard a lot of it. Well, he is still playing this game. I know he is looking for a reaction from me, and I try so hard not to give him one. But this game he is playing really sucks. Can anyone offer me advice on how to stay focused on my future. This is what I see happening: I move, he cannot not will not step foot into that house, I will not bring his furniture with me. if he leaves it behind that is not my problem. If he enters i can have him arrested because my name will be the only one on the title or mortgage. It sounds promising, and I know it will help me get my final closure, I just dont know when. I cannot buy a new home until this one sells. I buried St. Joseph about 2 weeks ago, and have been praying, but to no avail, I am not sure St Joseph can help me in this market. If something does not happen soon, I will lose my mind. How can I help myself stay focued through these stressful times? |
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jwg Member |
posted 04-23-2008 09:50 PM
I completely understand your frustration. I had the same problem with my ex. My garage was full of his stuff. It was a double garage and I could barely fit my small car into it. He made promises to move the stuff, I threatened to sell it and he would make more promises. It took him almost 3 years to get it out when he moved into a bigger place. In all honesty, I would have sold the stuff except it was all junk that no one wanted. I would say you should change the locks on the house for your own sanity and privacy. You are living there and he is not so he has no business being in the house even if the title is still in both your names. I think your moving to a new home is a very good thing to do - get a fresh start in a place that is yours alone. Good luck,the transition can be difficult when the other party won't get on with their side of things. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 04-26-2008 08:48 AM
My situation was similar. When my ex moved out, he took one duffle bag with some clothes in it and then left me to untangle 18 years of marriage by myself. I sorted through and divided all our belongings by myself, I had to deal with the sale of the house by myself. It was such a stressful nightmare. The one good thing about that, though, was the fact that since he didn't bother to come and help, he got whatever stuff I decided to give him!! Towards the end of selling the house it was total chaos, trying to donate or sell unwanted things and just getting me and my daughter moved. It was hard to stay focused and I was an emotional wreck much of the time, but it did pass and things did get better. MUCH better. Starting over fresh in a new place will be so good for you. I changed the locks to the house not long after my husband moved out. It was a huge relief knowing that he couldn't just waltz in anytime- or go into the house when I wasn't there. That would give you a lot of peace of mind. I'd do that as soon as possible. Good luck to you... |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 04-27-2008 07:08 AM
I wish I could change the locks. Or maybe had the guts to do it is more like it. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is the fact that he tells me if I do, he will not agree to any price. And with the market as bad as it is..... I cant have him hold this up anymore than the market already is. And at least he is, for now, listening to the realtor when she tells us what she thinks the house will sell for. I should have taken the house in the agreement and just sold it on my own, I didn't for logistical reasons. I am not sure changing the locks would help, i did that durig the divorce, when he was swearing that he was not going into the house, but I knew better and caught him one day and called the police. We were only going through the divoce at the time and had no agreement as to the house, so they could do nothing, but now, as of 3/1/08 I have sole legal rights to the house, so if I have to call the police again, they will take him away. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 04-27-2008 09:44 AM
He's playing a fool's game. He's not going to settle for any less for the house than the market will bear- he's going to want as much money as he can get out of it. He's just telling you that to make you nervous. Does he get a portion of the sale proceeds? He's just playing power games. I'd change those locks as a matter of principle and would tell him just where he can stick it. [This message has been edited by Bluebird (edited 04-27-2008).] |
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jwg Member |
posted 04-27-2008 10:55 AM
I agree with Lorrie. When you change the locks you will be taking back control of your life and there is a real sense of empowerment by doing that. I remember the day I changed the locks as if it was yesterday and it was the best feeling in the world. Hold your ground and show him he can't control you any more. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 04-29-2008 05:58 PM
I remember feeling so apprehensive, even guilty, about changing the locks.... until it was done. As soon as the locksmith left, there was such incredible relief. And enpowerment.I remember telling my ex that his key no longer worked-- I felt his power over me start to melt. |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 04-29-2008 06:40 PM
Well, I have decided to change, 6 of the 7 locks. The idiot will have access to the garage, but not the house (I will have the locksmith change the lock on the door from the garage to the house). This way, I can feel comfortable in my own house and he can't whine that I am not letting him have his stuff. Or threaten me not to agree to a price because I am not letting him have access to his stuff. The sad thing is I have to put a sign on the garage door for realotrs to make sure the lock is fully engaged when leaving, and when they ask why (or if thier client sees it....) Then I will tell him I had the locks changed and I am giving him 2 weeks before that 7th lock gets changed. Hopefully by then, I will have a buyer for the house. I just learned that the house I wanted has a contract on it. I really hope that god has a plan for me, cause right now, with my life being so stressed, his plan really stinks! Thanks for the advise. |
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jasond Member |
posted 05-03-2008 09:56 AM
I just wanted to throw in my two-cents here and say that I agree with what everyone is saying. You got to break away from him no matter if he makes it hard or not. You have A LOT more control than you think, you choose what you let affect you. My exwife moved out when she left so I changed the locks the codes, all of it. I let her keep her stuff in the garage for a few months but told her to get it out. Unfortunately she would come by every now and again and want stuff. I used to give them to her but not anymore. It had been months and she should of had it all, I got tired of the crap. You should hold a garage sale and get rid of his stuff if he doesn't come and get it. (I know easier said than done) I will keep you in my prayers... think positive and be in control. ------------------ |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 05-08-2008 06:01 PM
I hope your locks are changed by now and that you're feeling better. I'm so glad you decided to take this step. |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 05-12-2008 08:23 PM
I am not a big beliver in fate, but sometimes things have a way of working themselves out and we just don't know how it happened. I did not change the locks, but I know the house is secure (for other reasons to long to explain here) and I have the safety latches on the garage so he cant even get to his stuff. (nanny nanny poo poo). There is really something to say about empowering oneself that makes you feel so much better. |
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mags50 Member |
posted 11-29-2008 12:10 AM
Hire a damn good lawyer and do everything that he says. Document every interaction that you have with your husband along with everything that he does that isn't agreed to on paper. Dates, times, money trails, specifics...his actions and his words, etc. Document times when he brings his girlfriend on visits with his children. That was one of the things that nailed my ex. My divorce was every bit as ugly as yours until I took control of the situation by hiding funds, cancelling credit cards, documenting, and hiring the meanest bulldog of a lawyer I could find. I got everything. The affair gives you a distinct advantage. In my opinion, you're kidding yourself about being over his affair. It's a humilitating experience that takes years to work through because of the pain and rejection it brings. I've been there. Good luck and be the biggest b***h possible. Take private b***h lessons from a pro if you have to. |
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