posted 04-18-2008 07:39 PM            

I don't know where to start and when I do start I know I will be rambling like a crazy woman. Maybe I am crazy and no one has told me. I know I need to just let go of the things bothering me but I've had such a rapid succession of hurtful people that I can't shake it off like I usually do if one or two things happen.

I've got one friend that calls and makes plans with me then cancels at the last minute with the weakest of excuses. She started doing this when she got back together with a guy she dated briefly last year but constantly said she felt no attraction for the whole time they were dating. She called him up a week after she broke up with an abusive alcoholic and they instantaneously became a couple. I found out last week that she is moving in with him next month. They resumed their relationship in December. Back to me on this one, I know I haven't done anything wrong so why is she avoiding me and why does she make plans with me then cancel at the last minute? If she doesn't want to spend time with me, she should say no when I invite her and not extend her own invitations. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just changes the topic or says "things are just so crazy with the kids" (she only has her kids for 4 days and then they go to their dad's for 4 days).

My other "friend" who was a great supportive friend when I was down and out has now taken to finding negativity and fault in everything I do. She tells me my son will disappoint me. She constantly compares her 18 year old son to my 11 year old son as if they are the same age. My son is human and I am sure that he will do things I am not thrilled with at some point in time but for now he is a well-mannered, well-behaved, ambitious athlete and student. I am incredibly proud of him but I have reached the point where I can't even mention his name without getting some sort of negative comment. On other topics that she has also taken issue with include me dating, how I dress, my business, my house, and for some reason feels the need to report on my ex when he is making out with his new wife at the soccer facility that her son plays at. Then she had the audacity to tell me that maybe it was time for me to move since my ex irritates me so. The list has become endless on the things she can find fault with and I have started avoiding her because I can't take it any more. I swear she was happier with me when I was broke and barely able to provide food and shelter.

Last but not least that brings me to my sister who is domineering and self-centered. Despite the fact that she lives abroad and has never had children, she feels the need to tell me how to handle things with our parents (who are in their 70s) and parenting advice for my son. Around Christmas I became quite depressed and she happened to phone on a bad day. She cut the call short saying she would call back in a few days when I was in a better frame of mind. Please know that when she says she will call back that means she doesn't want us to call her and gets quite irritated if we (me or my parents) do. After a month had passed I sent her an e-mail apologizing for my state of mind the day she called and explaining that my medication required adjustment (I do have a chronic chemical imbalance for which I take meds). Not only did she not acknowledge the e-mail or my apology but completely ignored the fact that what I really needed was someone to talk to when I was down. Over the past year I have left close to a dozen phone messages and as many e-mails that have gone unanswered. My mother says things to me like, "I wish you two could connect as sisters." How am I supposed to connect with someone who has no interest in being part of the family and when she does make a call or put in an appearance once every five years, she tries to control every situation that she actually has no background on because she hasn't been involved. And, yes, we have all taken multiple trips to visit her so we aren't leaving all the travelling up to her.

I feel like I am surrounded by toxic people. The only two positive people that I am close to are my son and another friend who is great fun to be with even when things are sucking. Yet, with that many "toxic" people, the only common denominator is me so therefore it must really be me that is the problem. Am I the problem here or am I just crazy and belong in a loony bin? I have got to resolve this within my self because I am anxious all the time and the tension headaches are becoming unbearable.

posted 04-19-2008 06:51 PM            

Until you have actually walked a mile in someones shoes, we will never know how hard their life really is. Until someone has walked a mile in our shoes, they will never know how hard our life actually is.

posted 04-19-2008 10:03 PM            

I haven't been here for a long time, but I just read your post and wanted to reply because I've been in the same boat many times.

Rude, insensitive, and selfish. It sounds as if these women have good qualities that drew you to them in the first place and that you've tried to take the good with the bad. I know how it is, though, to feel rejected and insulted so many times that you feel like just throwing in the towel on the relationship.

I've had girl friends who have acted similarly to all the women you describe here and I've dealt with it by distancing myself a little bit and trying to realize that their behavior is nothing personal. I'm sure they're rude and insensitive to others besides you.

I have a friend who will make plans with me and then blow me off-- 100% of the time. Plans never follow through. It took me a while to realize that this is just how she is and that it has nothing to do with me... she blows others off, too. We talk on the phone occasionally, but I've stopped trying to make plans to do anything with this woman.

For me, it's mostly a lesson in how not to treat people. When I see people do these kinds of things to each other, it makes me want to be kinder, more sensitive, and more aware of my effect on others. I may not be able to change how others act, but I can learn from it and be a better person for it.

posted 04-20-2008 08:37 AM            

I do try to see things from other people's perspectives and I think you are right that these slights are not really personal but rather a product of dissatisfactions they have in their lives. I've always been one to follow through on things I've said I'll do (sometimes there is a delay due to circumstances but I will do it) and I've always made myself available when they were in need so it's really hurtful to be getting shoved aside and put down.

Talking this out has given me some peace so ... Thank You! I need to let things go and accept that our relationships have changed. Put it in a bubble and blow it away as the character Dharma (& Greg) used to say. Hmmm, maybe I should get out the bubble blowing stuff my son used to play with and sit in the backyard blowing bubbles and drinking a glass of wine.

Juanita