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 Male opinion Needed
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| Author | Topic: Male opinion Needed |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 11-09-2007 06:44 PM
  
So you have all been on this silly little roller coaster with me. Just to update you all on important points before I ask my question. The ex and I were best friends since our 3rd date. We had lots of stress on the marriage which made us grow FAR apart. Which made him stray (I will never be certain when he became physical with her, I asked him to leave as soon as I saw the calls to her, and he willingly left). This was a year ago. Since then we have had lots of ups and downs, exhanged words of hate and rage. But since my last input of about halloween, we have been good, and I am missing my best friend terribly again. So we had this conversation the other night about how things used to be, and how close we were, and he asked me to get a property settlement and put the lawyers at bay for awhile. My response was no, I was going to go through with the divorce and if we found eachother again, fine, but we will do it as boyfriend - girlfriend. I wish I would have said that I would not put the divorce on hold while he was living with another woman (whom he cliams he does not see himself with for much longer). I dont want to push the fact that I would take him back, I am not sure I would, we would have to start over from square 1, date see how it goes, then if iti goes well - let the rest happen like natural. I want cetain things about "us" after the stress to change, what happens if that stress returns (some of it was very specific and wont, but some of it might). Anyway, from a male perspective (coming from someone who does not show of tell feelings), where do you think he is when he says to put the lawyers on hold, and why if he might be missing me, wont he say anything? I have told him that I miss the man I met and married. And if he does want to put the lawyers on hold, because he might want to reunite, why is he still living with her? All I know is, if he does not leave her and does not come to me telling me that he wants to go on a few dates and see what happens, I am not changing the road I am on, come January, the house is going on the market, and I am looking for somewhere else to be, and he cant stop it at that point. And if I meet someone along the way, I will date him. Right now I am just not sure I am ready for it, maybe, I am just not looking for it. So guys, from a male perspective let me know what you think. |
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shawn single dad |
posted 11-09-2007 07:14 PM
It seems almost too obvious that he is ambivalent about you right now and is just stringing you along. He sees your hurt, want, and lonliness, because you are telling him as such, but... I hate to say it, he is a weasel, wanting to keep you on an emotional leash, not take responsibility for his share of the divorce, and stay with a woman who is no more to him that a warm body. Stay on course darling, and I would suggest you stop talking to him and start talking to a councelor. Like you said, if things will be again they will be, enabling him to take advantage of you won't speed that up, as a matter of fact continuing your conversations with him right now is only delaying your growth. Stay strong, you know what is right for your well being. |
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jasond Member |
posted 11-10-2007 11:17 AM
I agree with Shawn, talking to him is only prolonging your healing and moving on. It may be different if he wasn't a cheater and you guys just didn't get it but the fact is he is still with her and whether he doesn't think it will last much longer is irrelevant. It also sounded like you tried to rationalize his cheating by saying it was due to stress. Marriage is difficult and there is stress, always will be... You don't deal with it by having an affair. Continue with your plan, give yourself time to heal and move on. Don't relive the past or talk about the "good times" that will only confuse matters. What he is tellling you is normal. It is actually a stage in the breakup process. It just may be taking longer for him to come around because he is with someone else. ------------------ |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 11-10-2007 11:25 AM
Thanks, I just dont think he is smart enough or cares enough to be manipulative like that. My girlfriend who was with us on halloween swears he is still in love with me. I truely believe he does not know what he wants, that he is afraid of that stress coming back as well, but why should I stop my life to wait for him to make up his mind? I did that already in the beginning. I was seeing a counselor for awhile, who tells me that his behaviors are very selfish and that of a childs and to an extent so were mine (being child-like). It is time to grow up and start acting like an adult and adults just dont do &@!* like that. I dont really want to stop talking to him, becuase I love talking to him, but I need to do it with the mindset of we are going to be no more than friends for the girls and not be vulnerable to him. I dont have to be a be-atch, but I dont have to be vunlerable either. I still say that my biggest leap in moving on is when I sell this house. I know I should wait until then to make any decision or say anything more about the way things used to be. It's just not healthy. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 11-10-2007 06:18 PM
I think you're trying to stay friends with someone who will give you nothing but pain. I know you still love him, but it sounds as if he wants the best of both worlds. I believe he wants you to put the lawyers on hold so he can save himself a little money. That has nothing to do with love-- that is about money. |
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dadof3 Member |
posted 11-11-2007 09:51 AM
move on honey. all he is doing is prolonging the inevitable. he is a cheater and cheaters always cheat. when people divorce they are very conniving and evil, and i mean this from both sides. move on honey. there is a whole world out there just waiting for you. |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 11-11-2007 07:37 PM
You guys are all so right. I dont deserve to be treated like that, I did everything I could to please him and keep our marriage together including give up who I was. Staying friends with him, will only prevent me from finding myself again. But I still say that the real freedom will come when my girls and I are in a new house, and the divorce is final. I think then this burden I have been carrying for so long will be taken off of my shoulders. |
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jeff52649 Member |
posted 12-08-2007 07:04 PM
I have been hit with the question twice lately of me taking my ex back from my family. The answer is NO! I do not want to go there again. Why take many steps back, when I have made soo many in the forward direction? I was not the one who cheated, and I have not been dating. I guess the right time will come along when a good woman will end up in my life. Untill then, I will be training for the priesthood:-). I can say the best advice gas been given to NOT to take him back. |
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