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 fathers find it easy to leave their kids?
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| Author | Topic: fathers find it easy to leave their kids? |
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jrdmum Member |
posted 05-25-2007 11:36 PM
  
Hi there, its been about 12 weeks now since I am newly single (not my choice). I have posted a few times, but now I have new situation to contend with. The ex left me at 37 weeks pregnant with his child and a 4 year old for his high school sweet heart. Its been a long hard road but I think I'm finally getting somewhere with the emotional roller coaster I have been on. BUT!! Now I have been told he is moving away, far enough not to be able to see his children on a regular basis, it would involve a plane ride or a full days drive. My question is, how do men find it so easy to leave their kids? ( I don't mean to generalize so please except my apology if you are an exception to the rule) I have a few girlfriends who have a similar situation or know of someone. It just seems that they can just pick up everything and start again with someone else without blinking an eye! My ex will no longer have a relationship with his son, he will never know his 9 week old daughter. He actually said to me that his happiness is more important than anything else at the moment and its a sacrifice that he's willing to make!! I never realized what a loser he was!! and the real kicker is that his father did the EXACT same thing he is doing now. he swore that he would never be like his dad!! I just find it hard to believe that he can quite happily be a father to HER 2 kids but not his own!!!! and they think we are hard to understand!!! |
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experiencess Member |
posted 05-26-2007 12:57 AM
Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with this! I am used to it! It just gets easier with time I guess. I have two children by my high-school sweetheart, and really no matter your situation, it still hurts! I really don't know how they do it! I just think of it like this, he will really regret it someday! [This message has been edited by experiencess (edited 05-26-2007).] |
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madseason6339 Member |
posted 05-26-2007 09:07 AM
Still waiting for Karma over here too. My ex chose his family over a 12 pack of beer (he's an alcoholic) He quickly remarried someone who buys him everything. He lives 10 minutes away and the kids see him maybe 3 times a year. He rants that I've poisoned the girls against him. Ummmm .......... they are 15 & 16, I think they've formed their own opinions. Who knows what these men's consciences are telling them. I know with my ex it's going to take St Peter at the pearly gates to kick him to the curb & tell him what a POS he really is. Maybe then, he will regret |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 05-26-2007 04:03 PM
A lot of men out there are selfish, and think only of themselves. I just got back from the National Insititue of Heatlh in Maryland where my daughter underwent a series of tests for a very rare diease that she has, is it so rare they do not even know how to treat it. But my ex- just said he could not handle hoppitals, no matter who was in them - and did not care that his 4 year old had to go through what she went through. In fact when we first found out about this diease, he told me to make sure it was covered by health insurance becuase he was not going to pay for it. Anyone with an ex- who has been selfish needs to remember that we dont own that selfishness. It is not our fault. It becomes our fault when we allow ourselves to be affected by it, while its hard, keep reminding yourslef that it is not your problem or your fault, and that your ex- probably will not change. He left you, he may indeed leave her, and he will die a lonely old man. I know mine will becuase he puts everything else (his mom, sister, friends, work, houses, alcohol....before he puts his family) |
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lexiesmom Member |
posted 05-27-2007 12:01 PM
Because I know the few guys on here are sittin gin the background not sure what to say. I will say it I don't think it is men that can just walk away and not see thier kids, I wonder what kin dof person it takes in general. I have a few male aquantences who raise their children and the ex never sees them and often feel becuase they are female they shouldnt have to pay support. I also have an ex friend from years back who had a daughter who lived at home, but who had a son that after a years of being friends i didn't even know she had. He lived with her ex, she rarely paid support and saw him when it fit into her schedule. It was more important to go out dirnking with the girls on the weekends than to drive an hour to spend a weekend with her son. I cant imagine the kind of person it takes to do that. LEx has been through years of Speecj therapy, two surgeries and then of course all the fun stuff kids go through. baseball games, graduations, plays etc her father has never been to one event, one dr appt. nothing and forget paying support to help fund those events. |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 05-27-2007 12:14 PM
Lexies mom is right. My neigbors first wife left him and her two kids to move to Purto Rico with another man. That was when the kids were 11 and 9. Now they are in thier 30's, and their mom just showed up on the daugters door step one day about 2-3 years ago. She expected them to take her back after not having seen them for over 20 years. The son is scarred, but the daughter seems okay. My point is my neighbor raised the kids by himself, and did the best he could. I also dont understand how anyone could walk away from a child. Yea, we all get frustrated with them, and need time for oursleves, but to walk away in that manner just baffels me. It also baffels me that the people who do walk away, dont want the best for their child, they are okay with the child not having socially stimulating actvities. I am trying to fight for my ex to pay for day care (or at least a portion of it) so that I can go back to work, he tells me that I can go back to work, but he will not pay for daycare. he'd rather pay alimony than child care, and when alimony runs out, he tells me that day care is not his responsibility. There are a few reasons why I'd rather go back to work, most fo which, it gives him less opprtunity to control me and my finances as he has been doing (or trying to do) for the past 9 years. |
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jrdmum Member |
posted 05-27-2007 07:07 PM
well yes your right, how anyone can leave their kids is beyond me, I have one friend who left her kids but she was suffering very badly with Post natal, she understands now what she did and she lost custody of those 3 kids and only sees them every second weekend. I could be very wrong, but I would think there would have to be something wrong with the mother, mentally or whatever for them to leave their children, it seems to be very rare around me anyway. |
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jrdmum Member |
posted 05-27-2007 07:17 PM
by the way, i've been meaning to ask, a lot of parents seem to have concerns with child support on here, I am assuming most are from USA, how does it work there? I am Australian and it seems to be different here, I don't know of anyone who is really suffering without their child support here,(although i'm sure there is) of course there are sleaze balls out there who don't pay, but our government makes up the rest so our kids do not miss out,(they do chase up on dead beat parents who don't pay) they also pay for reduced child care fares for single parents who wish to go back to work. The parent who does not look after the kids full time has to contribute 27% of their gross income to the children. So I was just curious how it works in other parts of the world. |
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me2 Member |
posted 05-28-2007 02:03 PM
Hi, you know it is very hard to understand. My ex and I have been divorced 4 years now and my son is hurting now more then ever because he is getting older and his dad does not spend any time with him. My son would ask his dad to spend time with him and the man just simply ignored our son. He never calls, nothing and it hurts me. I still cry because I feel my sons hurt and pain. |
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lexiesmom Member |
posted 05-28-2007 05:02 PM
LExie used to ask about her dad, I never said anything bad about him to her, but never got her hopes up that he was going to show up. One day when she was seven she was ticked at me and packed her bag and said she was going to wait for her dad to pick her up (hadn't seen him since she was 6 months old). I simply told her the door was open when she felt like coming back it took about an hour but she camein unpacked and gave me hug. She honsetly hasnt asked about him since. It is his loss she is an amazing girl and she will do amazing things with her life and he has and will miss all of it.
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jrdmum Member |
posted 05-29-2007 04:55 AM
He honestly thinks that he will continue to have a relationship with the children, how can it work from such a great distance? My son sees his father at the moment as a play thing, because mum doesn't play very much because of the baby. I just think he is delluding himself over how he is constantly going to be in his kids lives by seeing them a couple of times a year! thats not parenting. I am so off men. |
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Bluebird Member |
posted 05-29-2007 04:26 PM
If someone had told me 10 years ago that my ex would end up being such a small part of our daughter's life, I'd have thought they were crazy. Our marriage ended 5 years ago and he is, at this point, barely even in her life (unless you count a phone call). He barely gives any financial support, has no commuication whatsoever with me regarding parenting and sees her maybe once every 2-3 months. She doesn't really care to see him--she sees how little he contributes and what a jerk he is and has little to do with him. I do think that men do this more easily than women do-- I think men can be more emotionally distant. Few men think of the exes and children as their families. I disagree-- I think the family you helped create should bind you for the children's sake. I don't mean that couples should stay together for the sake of the children, but it just blows me away every day that he (and so many other fathers) has NO interest in continuing to parent her as a team AT ALL. I take care of her 24/7 and, as far as he's concerned, I don't exist. As a parent, HE doesn't exist. He thinks he's so involved. He thinks if you SAY you care and love someone, that's doing it and being involved. During his last visit a couple of months ago, he mentioned how "WE" are raising her so well.... I almost choked... said to him, "I am doing my best" I hate him. How can men do this? I don't mean to go biblical on you.... but what happened to the man being the leader of his family? How do they escape this responsibility without conscience? |
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kimber72 Member |
posted 05-29-2007 07:39 PM
Sometimes my ex stops by on a whim, like today. I hate when he just shows up on my door step without notice. I happened to be talking on the phone about family night at my daughters school. He had the audacity to ask if this event was posted on a school calender and wanted a copy of that calender. So that when in the future when it was important to go to family night at school he could go. I was so mad, I could not even answer him, but really now, when is it not important to go to family night? He never cared about it before, he always said he did not want to go, which is the only reason I did not mention it to him. Why now? NJ is good about dead beat dads, they will put you in jail even if you are one payment late. Trouble is, they need to find you, and if someone is in jail, how are you going to get money out of them? how can you garnish the wages of someone who is working off the books? So while NJ prides itself on being like that, there are always flaws in the system. |
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jrdmum Member |
posted 05-31-2007 06:01 AM
You know, this site has helped me so much through my "ordeal". Thankyou to all of you wonderful people out there who have given advice, it has made me see things in a different light and be able to cope so much better knowing their are others and I'm not alone in all this. Thankyou all. |
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dadchad Member |
posted 09-18-2007 04:42 PM
Just a thought here? But not all men are that way. I am 28 I have 2 boys. They are 5 and 3. I have been single for almost 3 yrs and have yet to find a women that even wants to date me. So it is not always men that run. |
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