by Lisa Henning February 16, 2000
Guest Columnist Dallas, TX
Less is More
I used to be called "Super Woman" or "Super Mom" by many friends and acquaintances because I was involved in numerous school committees and church groups. When I wasn't at a PTA meeting or at a church function I was shuttling my three girls to softball, piano, guitar, and dance lessons, brownies and girl scouts, or any other numerous activities from school. If a group at the school or church needed a volunteer then I was always called, and nine times out of ten I would cheerfully comply with their request. In my mind and heart I truly believed that every thing I did was for my girls' benefit, thinking that just because their father had walked out on us they were not going to be denied a full and rewarding childhood. Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!
It was exhausting, but I thought everything was ok, I told myself that my girls and I were happy. My sex life was almost non-existent but that was something I could live with, for the girls' sake. I did want someone in my life, but he would have to understand that my girls came first. Some men would try to understand for a while, but almost always we would part ways because either I felt crowded by his needs, or he would feel neglected because I had such a busy schedule. At least that is how I saw it at the time. Once in a while either a family member, my mom mostly, friend, or a boyfriend would tell me that I was doing too much. I even had my ex try to tell me that I was neglecting my girls! How could I possibly be neglecting them? They were my whole life! And thanks for your advice Mom, but we are doing just fine.
All was going well, I thought. But my 6-year-old started getting in trouble at school, her teacher called me twice in the span of two weeks, and she was becoming difficult with me and angry with her sisters more than usual. I tried to talk to her, but the only thing she would say is that I didn't care about her, and that I didn't want to spend any time with her. I tried to point out that EVERY THING I did was for her and her sisters. I figured she must miss her father (who had been gone about two years, with only sporadic contact). We had been having this same talk three or four times in just a few days, when seemingly out of the blue my 11-year-old started crying as we were driving to our girl scout meeting (yes I was the troop leader). When I asked what was wrong she told me she didn't want to go to girl scouts anymore, and that she would just rather stay at home and watch TV or do some craft with me, and with no one else around. Lights started flashing in my head, and I finally started to doubt what I was doing with our lives. Could I have been wrong? (Or worse yet, could the ex be right?)
The Good Lord must have been watching closely because the very next day I ran into my old counselor who I saw for about 3 months during and after the divorce. She invited me back to talk, and after a couple of tear filled sessions I started to realize that even though I thought I was doing everything for my girls' benefit I was actually doing all these things for everyone's approval. She called it the need for validation. I was so beat up emotionally from my marriage (and before) that I needed approval from everyone for my self-esteem. I was putting forth the face of strength and liking my life, and myself but actually I had many buried self-doubts.
I started to slow down. My girls didn't have to be in every club; they couldn't be in every club. But that was ok, we all started doing less, but our lives became much fuller because we had more time for each other. I started to learn to say no to other groups, while still keeping some activities for myself. I began a routine which I still follow today (3 years later) of scheduling one-on-one time with each girl and regular foursomes on a bi-weekly basis. Soon, I saw my girls starting to become much more self-confident and secure with their relationship with me. They knew we might not be able to do everything they wanted to do, but at least they always had their time with me. An added benefit was my oldest girls becoming more accepting of me dating and being in a relationship. I have even been seeing someone for the last 18 months, and we are planning on getting married next summer.
For now, I am proud to be known as just Lisa, woman, and single mom of three beautiful girls.
